Hatrack River Writers Workshop: Life Sketches

This is topic Life Sketches in forum Fragments and Feedback for Books at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by Sherpa7 (Member # 8321) on :

This is the first 13 lines of the first chapter of my speculative novel, Life Sketches, complete at 210,000 words.

After a long afternoon teaching a group of new trainees, Simon Wakefield headed to his office on the fourth floor of the Time Control Complex. The deep carpet muffled his footfalls, providing a near-silent work environment. He glanced within each cubicle as he passed, observing his sketchers as they created life...to the Advocacy's specifications.
He paused outside the cublicle of Jordan Blackwood, unaccustomed to the absence of his friend and workmate. He entered the workspace, shuddering at the sight of the lifeless monitor. It mirrored how he felt: empty and dark.
The tiny cublicle refected Jordan's disciplined temperament. Simon studied the three photos pinned to the wall above the monitor. The first depicted a younger Jordan and his lifemate Martha, both smiling, taken on the occasion of their union.

Posted by kings_falcon (Member # 3261) on :

Welcome to our disfunctional family.

Congrats on finishing. That's a milestone lots of people don't make. Now for the joy of editing.

First, completely unrelated to the 13 lines, 210K is HUGE. It's probably too big for any genre so when you edit look to saving words and cutting the word count. Let us know what genre it is too.

My take:

quote:

After a long afternoon teaching a group of new trainees, Simon Wakefield headed to his office on the fourth floor of the Time Control Complex. Not a bad first line, but not a great one. Why? Because I'm skimming before I hit the reference to the Time Control Complex. Why? Because the scene you're painting is ordinary.
The deep carpet muffled his footfalls, providing a near-silent work environment. I probably don't need to know this
He glanced within each cubicle as he passed, observing his sketchers as they created life...to the Advocacy's specifications. THIS would be a GREAT first line. Why? It makes me sit up and wonder what the heck is going on and who is this guy.
He paused outside the cublicle of Jordan Blackwood, unaccustomed to the absence of his friend and workmate. This is telling me. You'll have lots of time to show me the relationship between them so you don't have to tell me it now If you combine this and the next sentance it could be stronger - Ex:
He entered Jordan's cubicle and glared at the lifeless monitor
He entered the workspace, shuddering at the sight of the lifeless monitor. It mirrored how he felt: empty and dark. telling
The tiny cublicle refected Jordan's disciplined temperament. Telling - IMHO cut this line
Simon studied presumably he knows what they are so why "studied"? the three photos pinned to the wall above the monitor. The first depicted a younger Jordan and his lifemate Martha, both smiling, taken on the occasion of their union.

You have a good hook - sketchers creating life to the Advocacy's specifications - but you lose the momentum from it in having Simon muse about Jason rather than following the line of thought. If Jason is missing and foul play is suspected, tell me that.

Good luck and I hope this helped.

Posted by annepin (Member # 5952) on :

I pretty much echo kings_falcon's thoughts here. The opening feels weird and fails to engage because we open with Simon, and yet Simon is instantly fascinated with Jordan, even before we know why, or why we should care. The empty desk maybe troubling; if so, why does he spend time looking at photos? Why doesn't he think, geez, where could my buddy be? The result is a very static opening that doesn't make emotional or logical sense, and feels like it's not really going anywhere.

Posted by Sherpa7 (Member # 8321) on :

Thank you for your comments. As for the size, I've already cut this by 7000 words. I am most grateful, though, that neither of you suggested making it into two books. I'm tired of hearing that, especially from persons, i.e. professional writers when they haven't read it. For that I give you both a deep and sincere bow.