As I read the suspect his Constitutional rights, I casually looked around the room. This was standard practice for me, because you never know what paraphernalia a suspect might leave out in plain sight. You see, the average criminal mastermind believes that the cops won’t catch him. Most “real” criminals, not the person who used bad judgment, seem to have an innate belief that they have thought of everything needed to fool the average police officer. They also believe in their infallible ability to blend into the woodwork and disappear. I had been looking around for no more than ten or twenty seconds, when I saw on a cabinet the word, “POT!” scrawled in large block letters. Under the word, “POT!” was an arrow pointing down to a huge ashtray. I snickered and snorted for a
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited January 03, 2009).]
Posted by Sherpa7 (Member # 8321) on :
You have a smooth style and a flowing syntax. I did not struggle to understand who was speaking, where that person was, and what that person was doing. Your 13 pulled me in and I would read more.
Posted by JASU (Member # 8406) on :
I think this is pretty good. Here are a few things for you to consider.
As I read the suspect his Constitutional rights, (How about leaving out "Constitutional" instead I would suggest Miranda, or even just say "As I read the perp his rights")
You see, the average criminal mastermind believes that the cops won’t catch him. (Here I would think about leaving "mastermind" out since they really can't be both average and a mastermind at the same time.)
Most “real” criminals, not the person who used bad judgment, (Would this sound better? "not just the person who uses bad judgment")
Your hook is getting close for me. Just a little more work and you will have me.
Posted by ArachneWeave (Member # 5469) on :
Like this!
I was confused about where they were a little longer than I liked. Maybe a clue earlier on, that he's looking into the *living* room?
Otherwise, a fun voice you have there, and that catches me right up.
Posted by honu (Member # 8277) on :
I think the first sentence threw me///I envisioned a court room rather than the miranda/perp thing mentioned////The humor is there but comes to late for me///with shorter sentences I would read on
