Hatrack River Writers Workshop: The Shaman's Curse

This is topic The Shaman's Curse in forum Fragments and Feedback for Books at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by Meredith (Member # 8368) on :

Here are the first 13 lines again. Fantasy. 90K words. Even though it starts when the main character is about fifteen, it's not specifically YA. However, I have tried to keep it mostly consistent with YA, just in case. I would be interested in any feedback. And if anyone is interested in reading some of it I would be really grateful. I'm thinking it's just about ready.

Vatar could not contain his elation. A joyful whoop escaped his lips as he cantered away from the herd with the other two boys. They were going to get away with it! This time, they were going to succeed.

Torkaz returned his grin. He was confident, as always, that his plan would work.

Fenar reflected their joy. He was the youngest of the boys by more than a year. But he would go anywhere they went, especially anywhere his older brother, Vatar, went.

As they got farther from the herd, Torkaz took the lead, as usual. He led them in a wide arc that would bring them back to the river well beyond the sight of the herdsmen. Torkaz was the oldest of the boys by almost a month.

[This message has been edited by Meredith (edited January 08, 2009).]

Posted by aspirit (Member # 7974) on :

I felt like I was reading a character list. I suggest starting with a different scene with fewer acting characters, so you can introduce these boys and their relationships more slowly. Then, this scene will read more smoothly.

Posted by Meredith (Member # 8368) on :

Okay, I can see that. I think I'm trying to dump too much info too soon. I'll have to think about how I can rework it.

I really think this is the beginning point of the story. I can move it a little backward, to show them planning. I can't move it very much forward. Something pivotal is about to happen.

But I might not have to move it at all. Just stay with the main character and bring in his companions a little more slowly.

I have an idea that just struck. How's this:

Torkaz returned his grin, confident, as always, that his plan would work.

In his joy, Vatar leaned forward, urging his horse to go faster. Torkaz and Fenar recognized the challenge to a race. Soon the three boys were galloping across the open grassland. But Vatar did not keep the lead for long.

Vatar would never be able to outrace his younger brother. Fenar was by far the best horseman of the three. He leaned forward until he was lying along his horse’s neck

[This message has been edited by Meredith (edited January 11, 2009).]

Posted by Gan (Member # 8405) on :

quote:
Vatar could not contain his elation. A joyful whoop escaped his lips as he cantered away from the herd with the other two boys. They were going to get away with it! This time, they were going to succeed.

So far so good. I'm not sure I like the exclamation point, but its not a big deal, and more a personal preference.

quote:
Torkaz returned his grin. He was confident, as always, that his plan would work.

Nothing I can see to correct here.

quote:
Fenar reflected their joy. He was the youngest of the boys by more than a year. But he would go anywhere they went, especially anywhere his older brother, Vatar, went.

I don't really like the last sentence here. The commas around Vatar's name made me feel I was pausing too much. Not a big deal really, and again, probably just personal preference.

quote:
As they got farther from the herd, Torkaz took the lead, as usual. He led them in a wide arc that would bring them back to the river well beyond the sight of the herdsmen. Torkaz was the oldest of the boys by almost a month.

Once again, very good.

Sorry I don't have too much to comment on. It was really good I felt.

The main complaint I had has already been addressed. Its a lot of characters to learn about at once. I would probably find myself, later in the passage, confused as to which character was which. If possible, I would recommend easing one of the non-essential characters in at a slightly later point in time.

All in all, though, very good. It really makes me wonder what is going to happen, while simultaneously making me wonder what already has happened.

If you need critiques on anything further, feel free to send it my way.

Posted by Meredith (Member # 8368) on :

Thanks, Gan

Unfortunately, there are no less essential characters for this chapter. Fortunately, though, there are only these three characters in the first chapter. Hopefully, that makes it a little easier.

If you want to read more, I'll send the first twenty pages along tomorrow. There's one more quick revision I want to make first.

Posted by aspirit (Member # 7974) on :

Your revision is better, though introductions are still rushed. Opening with them in the planning stage might work in your favor, because you'd interrupt less urgent action to present each character.

Remember, novels don't need to start at the speed of short stories.

Posted by Gan (Member # 8405) on :

IF we have some time in this first chapter to get to know the characters, it should be fine. I'll take a look at the draft you sent me, and tell you what I think.

Keep at it.