Hatrack River Writers Workshop: Fantasy Rewrite...

This is topic Fantasy Rewrite... in forum Fragments and Feedback for Books at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by Gan (Member # 8405) on :

After much deliberation, I've decided to start the story from a different point. Much has changed. I can't decide if this is a decent place to start. Let me know if theres a hook, and if its at all decent.

Also, after I make revisions to the first chapter, I would love to have someone read through it. The chapter itself is fairly short, at only ~1500 words, so it wont take long. If you feel you have the time, I'd appreciate it.

quote:
V.2
Emmy wove stitches in and out of the white tailored dress in her lap. The shop--lit with dim candlelight--was filled with white dresses of all sizes; festival time was the busiest of the year. A woman in front of her, tall and bright eyed, sighed and motioned Emmy to hurry her work. "I need to get ready, girl," she said, her voice high and dignified.
"I can give it to you now," Emmy smiled, "But be careful as to not tear the seems, I didn't--"
The woman snatched the dress out of her lap. "My Father will send payment," she said, scowling as she left the shop.
I can't wait to see her pretty little breasts pop right out of that dress.

quote:
V.1
Emmy wove stitches in and out of the white tailored dress in her lap. The street outside was loud with the commotion of thousands of people, all bustling in and out of the shops and bars. A woman in front of her, tall and bright eyed, sighed and motioned Emmy to hurry her work. "I need to get ready, girl," she said, her voice high and deserving.
"I can give it to you now," Emmy smiled, "But be careful as to not tear the seams, I haven't--" The woman snatched the dress from her.
"My Father will send payment," she scowled and left the shop. I can't wait to see her pretty little breasts pop right out of that dress.

[This message has been edited by Gan (edited January 13, 2009).]

Posted by Meredith (Member # 8368) on :

I'll take a look at it for you. Send it on.

Posted by snapper (Member # 7299) on :

Two things from the same sentence.

quote:
The woman snatched the dress from her.

First I think this belongs in the next paragraph. Second the description tag from her should either be cut or needs elboration. Something like...

from her grasp or fingers, or something like that.

Posted by Omakase (Member # 2915) on :

The way this opens needs a little reorganizing I think.
It opens with Emmy -- then goes immediately to describe the street -- then jumps back to Emmy.
The street description is a little out of place. Maybe a shop description would be better.

Also, using scowled for the dialogue doesn't really work since scowling doesn't involve talking. You could just split the sentence.

Last one is "her voice high and deserving" -- the word choice here seems a bit off.

Posted by Gan (Member # 8405) on :

Thanks both of you. I changed it up a bit, see if that helps at all.
Meredith, I'll send you the first chapter when I finish editing it. It could be a day or two, I hope thats not a problem.

Posted by Meredith (Member # 8368) on :

No problem. Whenever you're ready.

Posted by Pyraxis (Member # 7990) on :

Just answered in your other thread before I noticed this one.

I'd be willing to look at the chapter when it's ready. No rush.

Posted by Gan (Member # 8405) on :

quote:
Just answered in your other thread before I noticed this one.
I'd be willing to look at the chapter when it's ready. No rush.

That'd be great, thanks. I've started the story from a different point in time. The other post I had, was essentially the end of the story I have now. I felt there was enough background to make a good story out of. So why not?

I'll send it your way after I edit it a bit more.

Thanks again.