This is a supernatural story, and i took Stephen Kings advice from On Writing when he said pick a character and then just go, so i picked Emma Gray, an 18 year old girl who died in 1941. The story takes place in present day. Let me know if i am doing it right, and how i can fix it. Thanx all! I hope i can help you too!
This was her favorite time of day. She didn't know anyone else who felt this way; human interaction wasn't a popular past-time for the rest of her kind. She supposed it made them feel uncomfotable, reminded them of all the things they had lost, but it always made her feel just a little bit more whole. It was only the children who could see her, so it was playtime in the park that drew her out. She would sit and watch them run and laugh together, all different sizes and shapes, and sometimes one would wonder close enough to notice her. Even the slightest of recognitions would make her day. This afternoon was better than usual. A small girl with bright red hair had toddled over to her only moments after she had settled in at the edge of the playground and held out her hand.
quote:this is both good and hooky for me///the following sentences are a little too detailed to give me a sense of what is really going on//// without the benefit of your Steven King blurb I might feel a bit lost at this point and wonder just what it is that I should be caring about/// for me to care for your ghostie/// if I knew more about "her" than about her surroundings I just might care more I might not read on at this point/// hope this helps and as always/// the more opinions you get leading in a certain direction the better
human interaction wasn't a popular past-time for the rest of her kind
quote:
This was her favorite time of day. She didn't know anyone else who felt this way; human interaction wasn't a popular past-time for the rest of her kind.
quote:
She supposed it made them feel uncomfotable,
quote:
reminded them of all the things they had lost, but it always made her feel just a little bit more whole. It was only the children who could see her, so it was playtime in the park that drew her out. She would sit and watch them run and laugh together, all different sizes and shapes, and sometimes one would wonder
quote:
close enough to notice her. Even the slightest of recognitions would make her day. This afternoon was better than usual. A small girl with bright red hair had toddled over to her only moments after she had settled in at the edge of the playground and held out her hand.
Apart from that, the only real issue is that you've tipped your hand. I'm intrigued because I already know it's a ghost story; would I know that from the first 13, or would it just breeze past me?
Ard-choille,
Rob Roy
"sometimes one would wonder close enough to notice her."
I think you mean "wander".
I wanted to know more about her as a person. How old is (was?) she? What does she look like? What's her background? So after "close enough to notice her." instead of going into details about the slightest of recognitions, which I can already picture and extrapolate in my mind from reading the first part, I wanted to find out something new about her.
I was hooked enough to want to continue.