I lived a quiet, unremarkable life until that Sunday. What else could you expect from a girl who grew up, started a family and opened a magic shop all within a few blocks of where her mother pushed her out into the world?
The Highgate District, that was my home. Not the worst part of the king’s city but not the best, either. Middle class, populated with hard-working craftsmen and moderately successful merchants. Highgate is the heart of the capital, the blood-pumping center, the place where strong muscles and sweat earn you a decent living. If it ever died, the rest of the city would follow.
Highgate also sits on the west side of the palace. The _backside_, everyone calls it, or worse things in crude company.
quote:
I lived a quiet, unremarkable life until that Sunday. What else could you expect from a girl who grew up, started a family and opened a magic shop all within a few blocks of where her mother pushed her out into the world?
Opening a magic shop sounds fairly remarkable to me. This passage makes me think that magic in this world is dull, easy to use, and most of all, of minor influence. The bold part of the second sentence also feels a bit run-on to me. Perhaps you could break it up more with commas or semicolons, or perhaps just break the sentence into two.
quote:
The Highgate District, that was my home.
This feels a bit awkward. Wouldn't it be easier to say "The Highgate District was my home"?
quote:
Not the worst part of the king’s city but not the best, either. Middle class, populated with hard-working craftsmen and moderately successful merchants. Highgate is the heart of the capital, the blood-pumping center, the place where strong muscles and sweat earn you a decent living.
I liked this. It gave me a great picture of the city, despite not using any real physical description.
quote:
If it ever died, the rest of the city would follow.
Died seems an odd way to describe it. Perhaps a different word choice? Might be personal preference.
quote:
Highgate also sits on the west side of the palace. The _backside_, everyone calls it, or worse things in crude company.
This makes me think the character is slightly prudish. If thats the intent, excellent.
I don't feel that the bold is necessary. It made the sentence feel a bit awkward for me.
Overall I enjoyed it. I have a few worries, though. This city, while interesting in and of itself, is going to be fairly redundant here pretty soon. As it is now, I feel its fine, but if it continues describing for much longer, I'm going to get bored and quit reading. At this point, I know a lot more about the city and its inhabitants than I do the main character.
Keep at it, it was interesting.
That isn't to say that you have to start with blood-pumping action, but I'd like to hear more after "I lived a quiet, unremarkable life until that Sunday," that tells a story in the present.
Great first sentence though.
"I lived a quiet, unremarkable life until that Sunday. The world was such a hum-drum place before he barged into my shop."
I'd love to see it go on in a vein similar to that... I'm interested in what happened that Sunday, and want to be engaged right away. Let the background fall into place as needed.
[This message has been edited by JenniferHicks (edited January 29, 2009).]