Erica was cold, wet, and tired. Tired she didn’t mind. It was normal; it was expected. Hiking seventeen miles in a day did that to a girl, particularly as the trail went higher and higher up the slope to the plateau ahead. After a while, the gentle tug of fatigue at every footfall on the grimy, ill-kept path started to feel familiar. Her aching feet reminded her that she was alive. Come to think of it, there had scarcely been a time in her life when she hadn’t felt tired. Wet was a feeling she hated. She’d been on the road for three weeks and had one sunny day, most of which she’d been in a forest. Cold was worst of all. Cold made the wind bite through her leathers; it made the rain her enemy. Cold could be deadly if she didn’t keep her wits about her. Cold, wet, and tired. The life of a traveler.
A few comments and criticisms:
quote:
...ill-kept path started to feel familiar.
This part here bugged me a little bit. "Started to feel familiar" seems a bit awkward to me. Perhaps a change in wording? Could be personal preference.
quote:
Her aching feet reminded her that she was alive. Come to think of it, there had scarcely been a time in her life when she hadn’t felt tired.
I like this. It gives me some real insight into the character. She sounds like a girl who likes to keep busy, keep on the move. Who likes a challenge. If thats the intention, then you expressed it well.
quote:
Wet was a feeling she hated. She’d been on the road for three weeks and had one sunny day, most of which she’d been in a forest.
I feel this doesn't quite work. Because the description of the tired was so long, I'd forgotten that there were three items (Tired, wet, cold). Furthermore, unlike the tired portion, I didn't feel it added much to the story. Save for the fact that she'd been on the road for three weeks.
quote:
Cold was worst of all. Cold made the wind bite through her leathers; it made the rain her enemy. Cold could be deadly if she didn’t keep her wits about her.
Again, because the Tired description was long, these other two descriptions really pull me out of the story. Make me realize I'm reading something, rather than vicariously experiencing it.
All in all, fun to read. Keep at it. Glad to see you back.
As far as the style that didn't seem to work, I was going for the structure of "Erica was cold, wet, and tired. Tired, blah blah blah. Wet, blah blah. Cold, blah." That structure felt neat as I was thinking about it, but it failed to come out in the paragraph. I suppose the device I was trying was that Tired, Wet, and Cold were almost like three characters she had been living with for a while, and she liked the first, hated the second, and feared the third. Felt like it would make for a good 13.
Should I give up on the structure attempt? I think the fundamentals of Erica's character stood out properly.
[This message has been edited by micmcd (edited January 27, 2009).]
[This message has been edited by micmcd (edited January 27, 2009).]
The problem with the structure, I feel, is that its just too long to really work.
If it were something like:
"Tired, from the long hike. Wet, from the rain. And cold, from the winds."
It would be OK. Because its short, I don't lose sight that there were other other conditions, besides the tired.
Of course, if you do that, you lose out on all of that characterization. And even then, I don't feel it would be getting the point that you were going for, across.
See what others say. It could just be my own personal preference, I don't know. But, for me, it would read better without the "A, B, C -- A Description, B description, C description" type of thing.
I avoided reading the rest of the thread before reading the snippet, so somewhere between "Wet was a feeling" and "Cold was worst" I suspected what you were doing, finding myself drawn back to the first sentence for a re-read before being able to continue.
While I really like the idea, I think the opportunity for structure in a novel happens at a much broader (and hopefully invisible to the reader) level. Smaller scale structure like this seems more indicative of poetry and, as when I noticed it and went back to read the opening sentence, the reader is pulled out of immersion by recognition of the writing, it is probably counterproductive.
Where it might work is on a much larger scale - perhaps the novel opens with her being cold, wet and tired, and ends with the same thing. I don't really know the best answer, but I do know it's disappointing to cut something you like. At least having the larger work benefit from the cut is a nice trade
quote:
Erica was tired, wet, and cold. Tired she didn’t mind. It was normal; it was expected. Hiking seventeen miles in a day did that to a girl, particularly as the trail went higher and higher up the slope to the plateau ahead. After a while, the gentle tug of fatigue at every footfall on the grimy, ill-kept path started to feel familiar. Her aching feet reminded her that she was alive. Come to think of it, there had scarcely been a time in her life when she hadn’t felt tired. Wet was a feeling she hated. She’d been on the road for three weeks and had one sunny day, most of which she’d been in a forest. Cold was worst of all. Cold made the wind bite through her leathers; it made the rain her enemy. Cold could be deadly if she didn’t keep her wits about her. Tired,wet, and cold. The life of a traveler.
[This message has been edited by honu (edited January 27, 2009).]
Come to think of it, there had scarcely been a time in her life when she hadn’t felt tired.
I got a different impression from this - not of a woman who kept active and liked challenge, but one who was careworn before her time. The people I know who say/think things like this IRL, use it to mean more of a negative thing, a burden.
She’d been on the road for three weeks and had one sunny day, most of which she’d been in a forest.
Liked this bit because it gave me a sense of place. It also reinforced the hard luck perception of her character.
Cold made the wind bite through her leathers; it made the rain her enemy.
Nice.
[This message has been edited by Pyraxis (edited January 29, 2009).]
quote:
Erica was cold, wet, and tired. Tired she didn’t mind. It was normal; it was expected.
quote:Hiking seventeen miles in a day did that to a girl, particularly as the trail went higher and higher up the slope to the plateau ahead.
quote:
After a while, the gentle tug of fatigue at every footfall on the grimy, ill-kept path started to feel familiar. Her aching feet reminded her that she was alive. Come to think of it, there had scarcely been a time in her life when she hadn’t felt tired.
quote:
Wet was a feeling she hated. She’d been on the road for three weeks and had one sunny day, most of which she’d been in a forest. Cold was worst of all. Cold made the wind bite through her leathers; it made the rain her enemy. Cold could be deadly if she didn’t keep her wits about her. Cold, wet, and tired. The life of a traveler.