Hatrack River Writers Workshop: Request for Feedback (starting w/ 13 lines)

This is topic Request for Feedback (starting w/ 13 lines) in forum Fragments and Feedback for Books at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by benmackay (Member # 8148) on :

Hi all,

I have skimmed a lot of the forums these past few months and impressed with the attention to detail from all the posters! I have been in the submission/rejection/revision/re-submission process for the last couple of months and I'm finally to the point where I need someone who a) is not related to me, and b) isn't a friend to provide an objective critique.

I'm posting the first 13 lines here for feedback, and would appreciate someone willing to read a chapter or so, or even the entire manuscript. Are any of you editors who would be willing to take on a compensated editing project?

Here are the 13 lines (and I'm pretty sure it's only 13 )

Thoran inhaled deeply, realizing that the pain-filled shouts were his when the echoes ceased reverberating off the stone walls. So he forced his mouth shut, holding his breath, and clenched his jaw against the torment, his head shaking because the pain didn’t cease. It only worsened. His very soul was being ripped out of his body; muscles, flesh, bone all straining against the pressure. At least that’s what it felt like. He only took a breath when his lungs burned for fresh air; and then his throat rasped as air flowed in and out of his chest with reckless abandon. But he would not shout again.

“I TOLD YOU,” came the smooth voice that drowned out all other sound in the room without yelling. “I GAVE YOU AN OPPORTUNITY TO NOT DEFY ME.”

Thanks!
Ben

[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited January 30, 2009).]

Posted by Pyraxis (Member # 7990) on :

Actually, I'm pretty sure you're over 13 - according to my browser you'd have had to cut after "OPPORTUNITY".

I'm not that keen on novels that open with a torture scene. If you do your worst to your main character on the first page, what's left to throw at them for the rest of the story? We don't know who this person is, so it doesn't have the same impact to read as it would if we knew his background and personality and had been sympathizing with him for a hundred pages. It's kind of a waste of intensity.

It also dropped me right out of the mood to read "At least that's what it felt like." That minimizes it - you could weave the same message in with "It felt like his very soul was being ripped out of his body" and still get across the idea that he wasn't really being magically stripped of his soul.

I would lose the block caps for the tormentor's voice.

If you haven't been put off by the critique yet, I'd be willing to trade a chapter crit with you.

Posted by benmackay (Member # 8148) on :

Pyraxis,

I'd definitely like to trade a chapter crit with you. What's the protocol to that?

Valid point on the phrase "At least that's what it felt like". Will work on that before I send you the chapter. While I understand your reasoning about starting with the torture scene, it makes sense as you go forward in the story. It's a pivotal event in the life of the character that helps define him.

Can you PM me your email so we can exchange chapters?
Thanks,
Ben

Posted by benmackay (Member # 8148) on :

By the way, thanks to the mods for cutting down my 13 lines. I thought that I had figured it out correctly, but obviously didn't quite get it right. Thank you! I'll do better next time.

Thanks,
Ben

Posted by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (Member # 59) on :

This topic may help, benmackay. Please follow the link and read it.

Posted by Christian (Member # 7825) on :

Hey Ben I liked everything except "at least that's what it felt like." I think if you remove that sentence you'll have a stronger 13.

Your story pulled me in and piqued my interest. Very well done sir.

Posted by AMPAglut (Member # 8484) on :

I agree with the others, but have an alternate suggestion regarding the all-Caps thing. I'm guessing that the character speaking in Caps is somehow otherworldly - that the caps lock is meant to signify that this being doesn't speak as regular folk do. If this is the case, and you think that simply tagging the speech as such would reduce its impact, I might keep the Caps and forgo the quotation marks. That would communicate its 'otherness' and it would still be clear that there's communication going on. As a reader, I'd find it less jarring.