It started as a short story and slowly expanded its way from 4,000 words into 18,000 words and now hopefully into a full novel.
Thanks for reading.
Jaz
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Mandy hadn’t wanted to watch the trial, or its aftermath, but she had to. There was no other choice. They had made her. The Little Man sat next to her as the man known to her as Andrew Peters, and to the rest of the world as Andrew Richards was on the stand confessing to all that they said that he did and all that they said that he was. The Little Man sat next to her as Andrew Richards was sentenced to death by the Government Tribunal. The Little Man sat next to her as the mixture of acid vapors was released into his execution chamber. And the Little Man sat next to her as the world cheered the death of a monster.
There is a strange anomolly in the first line which damaged me as a speed reader. "Hadn't wanted to.... but had to" was distracting as it seemed to be a contradiction. I would reword this to make it easier on the eye.
quote:
They had made her
This seems to be a device. In the MC POV, she knows who they are and it frustrates me as a reader that this is being witheld.
Otherwise, interesting. I would turn the page.
"The Little Man sat next to her as the man known to her as Andrew Peters, and to the rest of the world as Andrew Richards was on the stand confessing to all that they said that he did and all that they said that he was."
Too many 'man's and 'as's to keep track of easily. If it's possible, I'd break this up into more digestible pieces. In addition to being clearer, I think it would strengthen the effect of the repetition you employ later.
Jaz
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Mandy hadn’t wanted to watch the trial, or its aftermath, but she had to. There was no other choice. The Little Man had made her.
The Little Man sat next to her while the man known to her as Andrew Peters was on the stand confessing to all that the Government said he did and all they said he was. The Little Man sat next to her as he was sentenced to death by the Government Tribunal. The Little Man sat next to her as the mixture of acid vapors was released into his execution chamber. And the Little Man sat next to her as the world cheered the death of a Monster.