Hatrack River Writers Workshop: The Orphan's Jewel

This is topic The Orphan's Jewel - First 13. in forum Fragments and Feedback for Books at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by Denem (Member # 8434) on :

Here is the the intro to my epic fantasy.
This was an idea I had eons ago that has haunted me.
All feedback is appreciated and thanks for reading.

The main streets of Lyndon Falls were crowded, overly so, making it easier for Wip Figgi to move about unnoticed. Still, he stole a fleeting glance behind him, his nervousness obvious. He brushed his unkempt brown hair from his eyes and tightened the rough wool cloak. The wind and icy drizzle were madding.
The center of the square was ahead. That’s where Mornoon would be. Wip didn’t like meeting him there, but the mistrustful merchant refused a more private setting.

Posted by Brant Danay (Member # 8087) on :

The main streets of Lyndon Falls were crowded, overly so, making it easier for Wip Figgi to move about unnoticed.

The first time I read this, it seemed to me like Lyndon Falls was the name of a town in the real world. After completing the sample, I'm pretty convinced that it's not, but something about it sounds a little too "real" or "earthbound" or whatever. The Falls part is good, but the Lyndon part would be the one to change, if you're so inclined.

I love the name Wip Figgi. From what I can tell of the character so far, it fits him perfectly.

"He brushed his unkempt brown hair from his eyes and tightened the rough wool cloak."

I think "his rough wool cloak" would work better

"The wind and icy drizzle were madding."

I think you meant for madding to read "maddening".

I think you can probably add two more lines to this and still remain within the limit.

Keep up the good work.

Best regards,

Brant

Posted by Bent Tree (Member # 7777) on :

I am so accustommed to reading close third that distant third always throws me. "Obvious" got me because I was like obvious to whom? But this is good. Make sure this is the desired level of POV or els you might reword that if you are going closer. Otherwise I would continue reading.

Posted by Bent Tree (Member # 7777) on :

quote:
The main streets of Lyndon Falls were crowded, overly so, making it easier for Wip Figgi to move about unnoticed. Still, he stole a fleeting glance behind him, his nervousness obvious. He brushed his unkempt brown hair from his eyes and tightened the rough wool cloak. The wind and icy drizzle were madding.
The center of the square was ahead. That’s where Mornoon would be. Wip didn’t like meeting him there, but the mistrustful merchant refused a more private setting.XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

If you are inclined, you could add XXXXX much more to make thirteen lines.

[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited February 22, 2009).]

Posted by honu (Member # 8277) on :

I liked this...you have a meeting going to take place....you have a mildly suffering MC.....I would read on

Posted by Denem (Member # 8434) on :

Thanks for all of the excellent feedback. I've added a couple more lines as per a couple suggestions. Enjoy!

The main streets of Lyndon Falls were crowded, overly so, making it easier for Wip Figgi to move about unnoticed. Still, he stole a fleeting glance behind him, hoping his nervousness wasn’t too obvious. He brushed his unkempt brown hair from his eyes and tightened his rough wool cloak. The wind and icy drizzle were maddening.
The center of the square was ahead. That’s where Mornoon would be. Wip didn’t like meeting him there, but the mistrustful merchant refused a more private setting.
The early evening air held an extra bite coming off the bay and it didn’t take a Predictor to see snow in the near future. It gave Wip the extra excuse for pulling his hood low to cover his face.

[This message has been edited by Denem (edited February 24, 2009).]

Posted by AMPAglut (Member # 8484) on :

I think I'd change "It gave Wip the extra excuse for pulling his hood..." to "It gave Wip an excuse to pull his hood...", though. That Wip has other reasons to pull his hood down is implied by the word "excuse". Otherwise I like it and would read on.

Posted by Denem (Member # 8434) on :

Thanks for all the awesome feedback guys. Good catch on the 'extra excuse' AMPAglut. Gonna change that for sure.

Thanks again.

[This message has been edited by Denem (edited February 24, 2009).]