It all started five months ago. My father was dying. He lived a good life. His heart was finally giving out on him and his body was telling him it was time to go. My mother had passed away a few years ago from cancer. I was miserable about losing both parents so early in my life and their life. I wasn’t even married. No chance to give him some grandkids. “Larry, I’ve got a confession to make. I’m not going to last much longer and I need to get a little something off my chest.” He coughed, laughing a little at the word ‘chest’. “It all started in World War II, way before you were born. I was stationed in Kent, England. You know I never did make it to the continent. I was the best mechanic on the base and the general wanted me there to make sure his car was always in tip
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited February 26, 2009).]
Posted by LucyintheSky (Member # 8475) on :
I would cut the sentence
quote:He lived a good life.
from your first paragraph. It flows better and is more to the point without it. If he lived a good life, it will show; you don't need to say it here.
Also, I would cut "and their life" from this sentence:
quote: I was miserable about losing both parents so early in my life and their life.
It's a little redundant, and it reads awkwardly.
Another problem for me is this part:
quote:I was wondering what he was talking about. My dad was 65. His birth certificate said he was born in 1944.
I think you can say this in a simpler way. Plus, most children have never seen their parents' birth certificates. Why not just say something like, "I wondered what he was talking about; he wasn't born until 1944."
Lastly, watch your run-ons.
Overall, I liked it, and I like where I think you're going. I would keep reading.
Posted by Owasm (Member # 8501) on :
Here it is cleaned up a little bit. I need to say he was 65 in order to date the present period. Other than that, your comments are well taken.
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It all started five months ago. My father was dying. His heart was finally giving out on him and his body was telling him it was time to go. My mother had passed away a few years ago from cancer. I was miserable about losing both parents so early in my life. I wasn’t even married. No chance to give him some grandkids.
“Larry, I’ve got a confession to make. I’m not going to last much longer. I need to get a little something off my chest.” He coughed, laughing a little at the word ‘chest’.
“It all started in World War II, way before you were born. I was stationed in Kent, England. You know I never did make it to the continent. I was the best mechanic on the base,” another wisp of a smile, “and the general wanted me there to make sure
[This message has been edited by Owasm (edited February 26, 2009).]
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited February 26, 2009).]