Hatrack River Writers Workshop: Demonmachy-Chapter Eight

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Posted by Brant Danay (Member # 8087) on :

Chariah cursed as he struck the surface of the moat, not from disgust or anger at the Oneirophage's small victory, but because of his natural aversion to water. As he sank into the psychedelic moat, the liquid drugs infiltrated his body from everywhere at once and immediately took effect. He inhaled them through his nostrils and swallowed them in mouthfuls. They seeped into his open wounds. They crawled into his ears, creeped into his eyes, and slithered into the urethra of his penis. The Necrodelic floated in a liquid prism, a billion colors flashing and flowing around him. The red sun Tyterviax flickered like fire over the broken mirror of the moat's surface. Both seemed to be within arm's reach and yet, at the same time, seemed parsecs away. Chariah felt like a grain of diamond in an hourglass filled with crushed jewels

[This message has been edited by Brant Danay (edited February 28, 2009).]

Posted by Brant Danay (Member # 8087) on :

C'mon, guys! Help me out here

Posted by Owasm (Member # 8501) on :

Not having experienced the previous 7 chapters, I am overwhelmed with the imagery. Is Chariah dying here? Is he floating on the surface or is he drifting downward to a watery death?

You mention a small victory, so perhaps present Chariah floating on the surface experiencing his hallucinations... if that's what he's doing.

As the beginning stands its a bit of a muddle.

Posted by Brant Danay (Member # 8087) on :

Thanks, Owasm! I was starting to worry I'd never get a response for this one. I made some revisions to clarify that he's sinking down to the bottom of the moat after striking the surface. Let me know what you think.

Chariah cursed as he struck the surface of the psychedelic moat, not from disgust or anger at the Oneirophage's small victory, but because of his natural aversion to water. The hallucinogenic drugs saturated his flesh and infiltrated his body from everywhere at once. He inhaled them through his nostrils and swallowed them in mouthfuls. They seeped into his open wounds. They crawled into his ears, creeped into his eyes, and slithered into the urethra of his penis. The Necrodelic floated downwards through a liquid prism, a billion colors flashing and flowing around him. The red sun Tyterviax flickered like fire over the broken mirror of the surface above. Both seemed to be within arm's reach and yet, at the same time, seemed parsecs away. Chariah felt like a grain of

[This message has been edited by Brant Danay (edited March 11, 2009).]

[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited March 11, 2009).]

Posted by Owasm (Member # 8501) on :

That's better... it's more clear. The visual is better. Your additional action makes the description less dense.

One suggestion on the "broken mirror" metaphor describing the surface of the moat, you might try the visual that as soon as he plunges into the moat, the broken surface smooths and it becomes as if he never plunged through.

I was thinking of a way to phrase it, but I couldn't get the word count down with the time I have. If you can find a way to get that visual across, it could add to the drama of his isolation and helplessness.

[This message has been edited by Owasm (edited March 11, 2009).]