Hatrack River Writers Workshop: Remnants of the Rim - review prologue and first 13 lines.

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Posted by KrystaHunt (Member # 8554) on :

Remnants of the Rim: Shadows of the Past
Science Fiction
Incomplete first draft
7 pages, prologue.

Here are the first 13 lines: please let me know if you'd be interested in reviewing the entire prologue.

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Shimmering light from the new moon danced lazily on the surface of the lake. As the last vestiges of sunlight melted behind the distant peaks of the Lorai Mountains, the low reflections belied the dimming sky, illuminating the small cove and the man standing before a lone ivy-covered headstone.
He had seen the day pass in such a manner countless times since his boyhood, though the last two decades had seen him absent, something in the pattern unique to the world of his birth brought him peace. He reached out to the headstone and eased the plant life away from the words, 'MaiLeah Cellen, 3024-3055 Beloved wife and mother', though the last words were still covered by the undergrowth, they were forever written in his memory.
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[This message has been edited by KrystaHunt (edited April 08, 2009).]

[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited April 09, 2009).]

Posted by satate (Member # 8082) on :

It starts with too much imagery, by the second line I was reading just to get through it. I'm interested again when we meet the man. The phrase, "something in the pattern unique to the world of his birth brought him peace," is too vague and doesn't reveal any information about this new world you're setting up. What pattern brought him peace, and how is it unique? The head stone part is good. If I were you I'd cut most of the beginning and start with him and the headstone. Show us this man, give us his man and let us know why we should care about him. You can still throw in shimmering light and other description but intersperse it more between what's happening.

Good luck.

Posted by Natej11 (Member # 8547) on :

I think it's a good tender scene, but I agree that it starts off with too much imagery. You might consider putting the gravestone's words right at the beginning, then continuing with the scene as it is.

Posted by KrystaHunt (Member # 8554) on :

Second go at the first 13 lines.

The last vestiges of sunlight melted behind the distant peaks of the Lorai Mountains, illuminating the small lake cove and the man kneeling before a lone ivy-covered headstone.
'MaiLeah Cellen, 3024-3055 Beloved wife and mother' The man's fingers traced the contours of the engraved letters, though the last words were still covered by the undergrowth, they were forever in his memory.
"She was a rather beautiful woman wasn't she Janek?" questioned a graveled voice behind him.
The man kneeling before the headstone turned and stood, his eyes fixing on the intruding voices’ owner in an angry stare.
"Why are you here Feyhen?"