This is topic Please read the first 13 lines to my novel's prologue and comment. Thanks! in forum Fragments and Feedback for Books at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.
Jeremiah stood, staring out the window before him. It was not a pleasant sight to see through the open space, but then again, was Jerusalem a pleasant place to see at all any more? The street beside his small house was bustling with activity. A stream of people flowed in both ways down the broad street, an occasional ox-pulled cart rolling through the crowd. Jeremiah spotted a beggar on the street corner, crying out for the passerby to show mercy and drop a coin at his feet. Jeremiah watched the beggar for a while. The man's ragged clothes must not have been washed in months, the man's body was in the same condition. He was far from handsome, with his gap-toothed smile adnd hair that resembled an untidy bird's nest. Suddenly, several boys pushed through the crowd and began kicking the
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited April 09, 2009).]
Posted by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (Member # 59) on :
Please read this topic so you will know what we mean by 13 lines:
Hi, I think doing a story from the Old testament sounds like a neat idea.
Here's my comments.
The first half of the second sentence is too vague. "It was not a pleasant sight to see through the open space," I think it's actually too wordy, "It was not a pleasant sight," is more concise and easier to understand. The rest is just a detailed description of Jerusalem and I was left wondering why I'm being shown all this. I would skip to the beggar since that seems to be the focus of action.
I like how he comments on what he sees in the second sentence, "but then again, was Jerusalem a pleasant place to see at all any more?" It gives us some insight into who Jeremiah is and what he thinks.
Good luck with this.
Posted by Collin (Member # 8522) on :
Sorry K.D.W. I got a little carried away, it won't happen again.