"The wind felt like a living thing, shrieking in his ears and gusting with nearly enough force to shift his balanced stance. And though he had outfitted himself against even winter's chill preparing for this trip it seemed to slip through his cloak, coat, and shirt with ease, rasping at his skin with icy fingers.
Dirival hunched deeper into his cloak even so. The north wind often blew in Northerad, but this was no normal gust. It seemed to carry the hint of an open grave, of corruption too great to be explained by mere rotting and putrefaction. As if it had howled its way from the North of Norths itself, from the Crown of the World where Undath had met his fall. A true north wind.
And on the First Day of Waning, too. An ill omen, since they would very likely be facing undead by nightfall. Or worse."
If I could get your opinion on the feel of the story. As a book it's like a steel gray winter's day, with only a few stray rays of sun to bring hope of warmth. I want the reader to know what he's in for right from the get-go.
And if you would like to read some of it...^^.
[This message has been edited by Natej11 (edited April 10, 2009).]
Now, though the writing is good, and having read a bit about the world of your story from the character interviews and knowing the world is different and interesting, right now it still reads to me like imitation. This wind is working against you. I would hate to see a slush reader stop reading because of it.
I'm not saying your not starting in the right place, just I wouldn't start by describing the wind.
That said, I would be interested to read more.
~Sheena
[This message has been edited by shimiqua (edited April 10, 2009).]
I'll rework it tone down the emphasis on the wind, although in my books a true north wind, along with deep cold and other things, is indicative that Undath's power is particularly focused in a certain area. I can't leave the wind out entirely for that reason >.<.
A menacing wind is different and, in my opinion, more interesting. I would want you to strengthen the winds presence in the story rather than downplay it for fear of imitating.
Please ignore stuff that doesn't fit with your plans for the story.
You say the wind "felt" like a living thing but the impact is in his ears. For some reason, "felt like" seems weak to me and could maybe be better with a more active word. Maybe shift "Shrieked" to there and cut his ears? (!)
Maybe you should also put his name instead of "his" balanced stance. It might seem artificial, but it's good to get it in ASAP.
You start the second sentence with And. You do it in the third para too. You also use quite a lot of fragments - An ill omen. Or worse. And on the... As if it had... Most of those aren't sentences.
Now that isn't necessarily bad. It gives a good character voice and has a good flow. But I think starting so soon with it in the second sentence, using it twice so early, and using so many fragments, makes it seem too informal. I would establish the story a little more before being so free with this sentence structure.
"This was no normal gust" Gust is a bit tame, maybe. Would "gale" be stronger?
I'm not sure we need the entire list of cloak, coat and shirt.
"It seemed to carry the hint of" for an immediate, arresting image, there are too many words here.
Is the North of Norths an actual place in your story? If not, I might consider not using it, as there are quite a few Norths in various guises in this para.
As an opening, it has good description but quite a lot of info. It isn't clear where Dirival is or what he is doing. I think that info is more important than the meaning of the wind for the first 200 words or so.
The info is interesting though and would make me read on. Even more so if you could slip it in alongside a sense of Dirival's immediate preoccupation and his surroundings.
Hope some of this is interesting,
D