Mindaine surveyed the city of Germisa from her lofty position on the white marble balcony of the Carritin Palace. The sight so far below her did not please her eyes. The fighting that had been inching its way towards Atarmancia’s capital city for weeks had finally broken through the walls and into the streets, and the soldiers of Octeon’s Fox Army were killing people left and right. Mindaine’s own Army of the Black Rose was being decimated in the streets by Octeon’s superior forces, and the thought of Octeon being superior in any way made Mindaine want to tear her hair out. He had always been insufferable, and this reckless display of destruction was enough to cause war across the continent. She loosened her hold on the marble rail of the balcony, and color began to return to her knuckles.
Feedback appreciated. Message if you're interested in reading more!
Posted by Owasm (Member # 8501) on :
This is primarily an infodump. Not the best way to hook a reader. You need to take me into the story... all you've done is given me a current civics lesson. You could try beginning with a more personal encounter with Octeon... show an episode of the insufferability.
Posted by Kitti (Member # 7277) on :
Or maybe show her commanding her troops in the fighting against his forces? Something that gets her interacting with another person.
Posted by Gaudrhin (Member # 8557) on :
I've always known this was a weak intro. Thanks for the ideas. At the risk of sounding greedy, got any more?
Posted by Meredith (Member # 8368) on :
Without knowing more about the story and where it's going, it's hard to say. The one that comes to my mind is to go back to the source of the conflict. WHY is Octeon invading? If there was some initiating event that started the war, maybe that's where your story should start.
And that might give us a chance to learn and care about the characters before the war starts.
[This message has been edited by Meredith (edited April 21, 2009).]
Posted by Meredith (Member # 8368) on :
Of the three you've posted, this one interests me most. I understand from your post in NSG that you're having trouble finding time to write. But go ahead and send me the first chapter or two. I'll read it.