Hatrack River Writers Workshop: Untitled Scifi Short

This is topic Untitled Scifi Short in forum Fragments and Feedback for Books at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by dintverge (Member # 8572) on :

Greetings. I am new at writing fiction though I possess much experience writing for academics. I am unsure what I can learn from a group such as this or what I could possibly contribute. But here are thirteen lines of an incomplete short that has been stuck in my mind for some time now.

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The events began the night I first glimpsed Maria. We met, or rather, I caught her, one snowy December evening. I believed most events occur by chance; an interplay of entropy and causality that no man or machine can accurately predict. Maria believed in fate. Fate, she implored, loosed her footing while precisely positioning me to catch her. Perhaps fate dislodged that one unique paper from the stack she gripped tightly against her chest, drifting aimlessly to my feet. Once retrieved, its oddity immediately compelled me. The page consisted of calendrical diagrams and iconography perhaps belonging to an ancient people such as the Mayans. Maria scribbled her own Spanish notes along the margins, directed towards devices in the manuscript. My ignorance of Spanish

[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited April 23, 2009).]

Posted by satate (Member # 8082) on :

I like your story. Maria sounds interesting and so does your MC. The only thing that is keeping me from being hooked is that it's mostly telling. I'm not in the scene and I'm not experiencing the events along with the MC. He's just recounting what happened casually as if I'd met him briefly on the street and he says "Ya the other day I met this girl. She seems kind of cool." My advice is to start on the day he meets the girl. You could still use the first sentence but then jump into the events. Nice job.

Posted by trance (Member # 8530) on :

I like it! It's a little slow but still has a mysterious feel to it that makes me want to read on. Best way to unstick it from your mind is to finish it, and by the sounds of it, it'll be worth it!

Posted by Snow Crash (Member # 8114) on :

The events began the night I first glimpsed Maria. We met, or rather, I caught her, one snowy December evening.

((So, did your MC glimpse her first, from across a room? Or bump into her? Glimpsed implies he had seen her before the event.))

I believed most events occur by chance; an interplay of entropy and causality that no man or machine can accurately predict. Maria believed in fate. Fate, she implored, loosed her footing while precisely positioning me to catch her.

((These sentences are quite strange to me. The first sentence is a reflection of the event of meeting Maria. The 2nd and 3rd sentences are a reflection of the two character's reflections upon this event. Put this further down the page.))

Perhaps fate dislodged that one unique paper from the stack she gripped tightly against her chest, drifting aimlessly (it's a piece of paper, of course its gravitational pull towards the floor is aimless) to my feet. Once retrieved, its oddity immediately compelled me. The page consisted of calendrical diagrams and iconography perhaps belonging to an ancient people such as the Mayans. Maria ((had)) scribbled her own Spanish notes along the margins, directed towards devices ((hmm.. there's a simpler way of saying that)) in the manuscript. My ignorance of Spanish

On the whole it's good, but the flow is interrupted by a reflection upon a reflection which feels out of place. Stick with the moment your MC met Maria, then describe how the character's felt about that meeting a bit later on.

I look forward to reading your next post!