Hatrack River Writers Workshop: Toby Gold and the Choatie Fortune

This is topic Toby Gold and the Choatie Fortune in forum Fragments and Feedback for Books at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by ceverett99 (Member # 8588) on :

OK, here goes nothing. Please comment on my first 13 lines and let me know if you want to read more.

This is a middle-grade urban fantasy. The complete novel is currently 65,000 words.

Toby crouched in the darkness behind a rusty dumpster and brushed his hair away from his eyes. Taking a deep breath, he carefully slipped a black ski mask over his head. The moonlight sparkled like silver glitter on the wet pavement as he nervously peeked around the corner to look down the empty street. He had a pretty good idea he was going to regret this plan.
“Hey Bidge,” Toby whispered to his friend Bridget Donnelly, “tuck your hair into the back of your shirt or something. It practically glows in the dark.” Bidge had long straight fiery red hair that hung down just past her shoulders. She was what some would call “sporty-cute.” Not that Toby had noticed. He couldn’t think romantically about

[This message has been edited by ceverett99 (edited April 28, 2009).]

[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited April 28, 2009).]

Posted by MrsBrown (Member # 5195) on :

I like this! Good characterization, setting, etc. A tense situation, apparant danger of being caught... I would read on if I had time.

A few minor nits:
was routinely punching -> routinely punched

too many adjectives for her hair; don't need "long"

not sure if you need "girl" or "…"

"grabbed his right shoulder with his left hand" hmm, do you need the right and left? would grabbed his shoulder be enough?

[This message has been edited by MrsBrown (edited April 28, 2009).]

Posted by MrsBrown (Member # 5195) on :

Hm, too bad no once else commented on this 13 yet.

If you want feedback on chapters, I suggest you visit the Hatrack Groups forum and look for a thread starting with "NSG".

That's our Novel Support Group, designed for people who want help with a longer work, whatever stage its at. Its a good place to ask for someone to trade chapters for critting.

Good luck!

P.S. loved the title too

Posted by shimiqua (Member # 7760) on :

I'm loving it.

Don't mind the delay, sometimes when the first thirteen is good, we take a long time to figure out what to say.

If only you had glaring problems, then you'd have more comments than you would know what to do with. (Speaking from experience)

If you need readers, send me a chapter.
~Sheena

Posted by satate (Member # 8082) on :

Very nice, I like the characterization and you definetly hooked me. I was pulled out of the story for a minute at "The moonlight sparkled like silver glitter on the wet pavement" as I stopped to try and get that image.

The other time I was pulled out of the story was at the dialog. I had already forgotten the MC's name and I had to stop a minute to look back at the beginning.

I loved it though and I'd be willing to read more.