Jeremiah stood, staring out the window before him. It was not a pleasant sight to see through the open space, but then again, was Jerusalem a pleasant place to see at all any more? The street beside his small house was bustling with activity. A stream of people flowed in both ways down the broad street, an occasional ox-pulled cart rolling through the crowd, the beasts of burden making all kinds of noises to show their own frustration, mirrored by that of their drivers as they were forced to move ever so slowly through the growing crowd. He could smell the scent of animal dung from the stable beside his house, mixed with that of breakfast being cooked in the homes across the street. It made a strange smell altogether, something unique; the smell of the city that was his home.
Posted by trance (Member # 8530) on :
Religious allegory, interesting. My oppinion, sounds interesting. The only advice I can muster is a minor change. The street beside his small house was bustling with activity : (change the period to a colon since it is a list that follows.) Keep it up!
Note from Kathleen: a colon followed by a paren will make a face. If you want to see the list, click on the Smilies Legend to the left of the reply box when you reply to a topic, or just go here:
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited May 12, 2009).]
Posted by trance (Member # 8530) on :
what the? that face is supposed to be a colon ":". not a face!
Posted by MarciusAlman (Member # 8619) on :
I probably would not read this, as it is not my usual taste...however, it is a solid opening. I don't have a preference to how an opening is made, as long as it paints a picture and this one attached itself to my senses. I really like the ending, with the description of the mingling of the food and gross smells...I lived in Wisconsin for awahile near dairy county and I know all about this...*gah*
Keep writing!
Posted by Matt Van Sneak (Member # 8618) on :
Here's a quick critique.
"He could smell the scent of animal dung from the stable beside his house, mixed with that of breakfast being cooked in the homes across the street. It made a strange smell altogether, something unique; the smell of the city that was his home."
You could probably do without "smell the scent". If you smell something it is most likely a scent. "The smell (or scent) of animal dung filled his nostrils."
The word "smell" is used 3 times in two sentences perhaps you could use similar words. I find a thesaurus is my best friend.
Strong nouns and (most importantly) strong verbs make strong writing. Hope this helps a bit.