PROLOGUE

“What do you see John?” asked the Seeker.
“Shining water,” I replied.
“And where does the water come from?”
“From the sky, from a waterfall in the sky.”
“From heaven?”
“Yes, from heaven.”
“And where does the water go John?” The Seeker held the viewing stone close.
“Everywhere.”
“Everywhere?”
“Yes. All around us.”

CHAPTER I
“Master Podia this is John Shrike. John, this is your Master, Elam Podia." I bowed low as the Seeker introduced me. “Master Podia will be instructing you in history, geometry, writing and geography and will guide you on the path to mastering The Art.” I held my shaky bow, eyes on my dusty boots, content to fall on my face rather than to look into the piercing black orbs of Elam Podia.

[This message has been edited by Matt Van Sneak (edited May 19, 2009).]
 

By the way, when are you going to send me this?
 

I'll send you the first chapter. I just got it edited.
 

I had to read it twice to figure out who was talking and what was going on. A simple introduction can be handled by stating that it is an introduction (as you did in the next sentence). This formulaic phrase adds nothing except to sneak in the MC's full name.

Next reaction: I am interested and would read a bit more. But, what is sooo intimidating about Podia? Just his eyes? His status? I don't believe it yet.

[This message has been edited by MrsBrown (edited May 20, 2009).]
 

Here's My take:

quote:

---

PROLOGUE

“What do you see John?” asked the Seeker.
“Shining water,” I replied.
“And where does the water come from?”
“From the sky, from a waterfall in the sky.”
“From heaven?”
“Yes, from heaven.”
“And where does the water go John?” The Seeker[Male? Female? What does the seeker look like?] held the viewing stone close.
“Everywhere.”
“Everywhere?”
“Yes. All around us.”

CHAPTER I
“Master Podia this is John Shrike. John, this is your Master, Elam Podia." I bowed low as the Seeker introduced me. “Master Podia will be instructing you in history, geometry, writing and geography and will guide you on the path to mastering The Art.” I held my shaky bow, eyes on my dusty boots, content to fall on my face rather than to look into the piercing black orbs[He doesn't have eyes?] of Elam Podia.

---

1) This begins with floating-head-syndrome. I have no bearings.

2) I have no idea of what time period this is supposed to be in. Nothing in the clothes or mannerisms tells me.

3) I can't picture anything, except a pair of dusty boots. Where are they? In the mountains? On the Plain? On a Snowy Tundra? Steppes? In a temple? An underground bunker?

4) Where's the sign of conflict/danger? Is it to be between John and Elam Podia?

While it's true you have some room with novels to develop this, there are words that resonate with danger and movement, which you are not using.

5) I don't have a feel for any of the characters, nothing to cling to.

Though I realize that you can't flesh 3 characters out in 13 lines, you can give us an indication of how John sees them. Since this is first person, we should automatically be brought into John's thoughts and feelings (which tells us whether John is a likeable character or not by his expressions), and this lacks that crucial aspect.

Good Luck with this and I hope this helped.
 

Mrs. Brown-"Quick, first reaction: cut 'Master Podia this is John Shrike. John, this is your Master, Elam Podia.'" The MC's last name comes in to play about a half a page from this line and is referenced by Master Podia as we find out more about who John Shrike is and where he comes from. Removing the line makes the mention of his last name abit jarring later when it suddenly shows up with no explanation as to why Master Podia would even know. It becomes conjecture.

IB- I'm pretty sure I've seen you over on Absolute Write unless there is another IB out there. I particularly liked your questions because they are exactly the ones I want my readers to ask when they read the intro (especially 2, 3 and 4). I want them to ask those questions and continue to read as I answer them. Also, appreciated the point about John's thoughts and feelings. Oh yeah, changed "orbs" to "eyes". I have a bad habit of not wanting to repeat words in the same line.

Kitti-Without the prologue, without John testing positive for the Lucent Sight, there's no reason to continue a story with him in it. His ability to see what he does makes him special and is the reason he was brought to Master Podia to be trained.

Thanks again everyone. Please don't hesitate to post more ideas/questions/critiques.

[This message has been edited by Matt Van Sneak (edited May 20, 2009).]
 

I held my unsteady bow, staring at my boots. Rather than gaze into the dark. piercing eyes of Elam Podia, I was content to fall on my face.

"into his black eyes* made be think Elam had been beat-the-hell-up.
 

That's why I included the word "piercing" to inform the reader that it was Podia's gaze (rather than the actual, physical orbs that float around in his skull) that was being considered. Thanks for your continued help.

mythique-Thanks for the feedback. It was constructive. Your opinion is greatly appreciated.

*changed "piercing black eyes" to "the old master's piercing gaze."

[This message has been edited by Matt Van Sneak (edited May 21, 2009).]
 

Also, I would agree with everyone on the Prologue being a bit...vague. Having read the chapter in whole, I thought I understood what was happening, but it was conjecture.

You know of my love for Wheel of Time, but Jordan's prologue in Eye of the World was very confusing. When I first read it, I was severely confused. Now, after knowing the arc of the series, I love the glimpse of the Breaking, but then...it threw me. I think the same is true here.

In truth, I would love to see you start with the meeting of the two character - the Seeker and the MC. Then, when the events that you plotted in the chapter you sent me actually occur, it would have an emotional impact.

Keep pounding on it...

[This message has been edited by MarciusAlman (edited May 22, 2009).]
 

I have been adding to chapter one in places.

Chapter two is coming along, though slowly. There some inportant pieces I have to place.

Here's some info: I had to get John out of the Blackspire because I don't want him to know how to use The Art. I want him to know as little as possible about the incredible power he is capable of using.

Instead of learning about the omniverse he inhabits through lessons, books, research and various other info dumps he is off to experience the world first hand. Why read about the infamous Leorend when the legend himself is out there somewhere plotting the destruction of the Telek Confederacy?

As for expanding on the first chapter, that will have to happen during a rewrite. Right now, I'm just trying to get it all down before it leaks out of my head and makes a mess on the floor.

Thanks for all the help. I appreciate it.
 

But this is just my opinion. I hope I helped at least a little.

[This message has been edited by Collin (edited May 22, 2009).]

[This message has been edited by Collin (edited May 22, 2009).]
 

I stood in the Blackspire’s wide Receiving Hall nibbling my lower lip nervously. Pale light emanated from the very rock of the ancient tower bathing the two men standing before me in a soft, white glow. “Master Podia this is John Shrike..."

I think I like it better.
 

It would be easy to keep John in the dark about his ability. Have them teach him the history and geometry...but not the Arts. He would be frustrated and it would make great drama...plus, he could make little discoveries...

Come on...write this the way I want it...

Sure, I'll send you the first chapter. Just keep in mind it's a first draft.