Hatrack River Writers Workshop: an entry from "A Journey's Beginning"

This is topic an entry from "A Journey's Beginning" in forum Fragments and Feedback for Books at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by Collin (Member # 8522) on :

I'm going to drop into the middle of the story here, so I'm sorry if it appears unclear. I just haven't had the chance to get other's opinions on the parts of the novel that will have lots of tension, as in battles, solving mysteries, and scenes where a character's closest friend turns on them. Here goes, let me know how you feel!

Karen Numasse could barely believe her own eyes as she continued to stare in horror at the scene that lay inside the dank room before her. Poor, innocent Nina Harkwin lay lifeless and hanging from a rope tied to the ceiling. It was obvious she had been tortured, with all of the small burns and bruises that covered her limp body. Karen straitened abruptly, holding her breath as she heard footsteps behind her. She turned on her heels swiftly, to stare straight into the motherly eyes of Elder Eldrin Morallinen. Without a single thought Karen tore down the wall between herself and Cal'Aldazar that only she could feal and used the air around Elder Morallinen to fling her across the hall and into the wall on the far side. Eldrin grunted loudly as her plump body slammed into the stone wall.

[This message has been edited by Collin (edited May 24, 2009).]

Posted by Kitti (Member # 7277) on :

Collin - I'm very confused by what's going on here. Maybe a quick line or two giving us a summary of what's happened before might help people understand where your 13 is coming from?

Posted by annepin (Member # 5952) on :

Hm, don't really know how to help you. I don't have any context to understand what's going on. I think a better approach might be for you to post your opening lines and request readers for the whole thing, or for a partial. Alternatively, you could try providing a synopsis or "the story so far" sort of thing.

Posted by Collin (Member # 8522) on :

Sorry, I guess this was a bad idea. It just seems that there's not enough room in 13 lines to get to the interesting part of my first chapter, so I just get critics on the part that's not nearly as good as the rest.

Posted by Sixbells (Member # 8610) on :

Hi Colin,

I understand what you mean about the first 13, it’s a tough task, you feel your story has no chance to develop before it’s judged. But I think if it can be mastered it’s a great skill to have. I for one am at the kindergarten level in mastering the first 13.

Regarding your story, I like the start, when I only have one character to contend with, it paints a shocking picture and is nicely written. Once you introduce other characters is starts becoming distant. But the first 3 lines could be used in a first 13. There are a couple of spelling mistakes such as feal instead of feel.

Posted by babooher (Member # 8617) on :

Shooting off the cuff here, but a friend of mine once said he regularly just deletes the first page of anything he writes. He figured it took him that long to get started. If it takes awhile to get to something good, perhaps you should cut the, um, less interesting part.

I kinda like what you've got here as an opening even if you don't intend it to be. We have a main character (Numasse), we have motivation for the character (Harkwin's body), we have a villain (Elder Eldrin Morallinen), conflict, and intrigue. Yeah, you'd need to explain that "wall between herself and Cal'Aldazar that only she could feel" bit, but you've launched the story here pretty well.

Also, I think you should tighten the prose a bit. For example, your first two lines could be combined into one much shorter sentence. "Karen Numasse stared at Nina Harkwin's corpse hanging from a rope in the center of the dank room." That's fewer words than your first sentence and I think it conveys everything that you wanted to. Also, I'm not sure how someone can lay and hang at the same time.

Posted by annepin (Member # 5952) on :

quote:
Sorry, I guess this was a bad idea.

It was worth a try, I think. No harm done.

quote:

It just seems that there's not enough room in 13 lines to get to the interesting part of my first chapter, so I just get critics on the part that's not nearly as good as the rest.

The thing about the first 13, especially for novels, is that they might be slower than what follows in a chapter or more because novels tend to require a bit more set up. However, they should still engage the reader.

Maybe having dedicated readers will help. Try posting your first 13 and state that you're looking for readers to review the first 3 chapters or whatever. Or, join the Novel Group in the Group forum. Finally, you could arrange a book swap with someone. That way, you can get crits on the later parts of your novels.

Posted by MrsBrown (Member # 5195) on :

I agree with babooher, that this *may* be an interesting place to start. I like what you have here! But the starting point can be worked out later; getting the story down is what matters.

This is hard to evaluate, especially the part about “Cal'Aldazar that only she could feal”. Even so, I am willing to offer some impressions.

If this is the middle of the story, we probably already know the characters’ full names and positions, and would now expect to see them with partial names (it depends on how long since Karen last saw them). Also we probably already know that Karen thinks Nina is innocent. How does Nina lay and hang at the same time?

Wordiness gets in the way. It seems you *might* benefit by cutting [text in brackets]:

quote:
Karen [Numasse could barely believe her own eyes as she continued to] stared in horror at the scene [that lay] inside the dank room [before her]. [Poor, innocent] Nina Harkwin [lay lifeless and hanging] hung lifeless from a rope tied to the ceiling. It was obvious she had been tortured, with [all of the] small burns and bruises [that] covering her limp body. Karen straitened abruptly, holding her breath as she heard footsteps behind her. She spun on her heels [swiftly], to stare straight into the motherly eyes of [Elder] Eldrin Morallinen. Without a single thought Karen tore down the wall between herself and Cal'Aldazar [that only she could feel]. She used the air around Elder Morallinen to fling her across the hall and into the wall on the far side. Eldrin grunted loudly as her plump body slammed into the stone wall.

Clearly, I may have suggested too many cuts. “Poor, innocent Nina Harkwin” could be just right, and you may want to linger a little more on this scene. Perhaps something that indicates how pitiful a once-thriving person looks when they are dead; small and vulnerable and empty. I also liked babooher's suggestion to combine the first 2 sentences. It depends on your story thus far.

I suggested splitting up your action sequence into shorter sentences. Just an idea.

[This message has been edited by MrsBrown (edited May 26, 2009).]