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Lynn Roberts shifted uneasily in her seat. Her physiological response display confirmed the rising anxiety she felt: adrenaline and peptide hormone levels were spiking, blood vessels dilating, heart rate increasing, breathing rapid and shallow. The display panel, docked at the edge of a narrow, translucent line that framed her field of vision, sensed her attention and began to pulse, offering to center itself. Damn--a case of the jitters was distracting enough without the added annoyance of a flashing light inside her head. She pushed a quick reminder note onto her task queue to discuss the design with Leonard; his new interaction metaphors were annoying as hell. Jack had always said that idioms for visual cortex integration had to be subtle above all. Now she could see why.

 

First Lynn is a cyborg with physiological response display detailed enough to report peptide hormone levels and blood vessels dilating. Maybe the pesky display should be subtle, but it's more dramatic to readers when it flashes.

Second is her uneasiness. It seems like more than a case of jitters. She's in a seat. Is that in a vehicle, plane or ship that's in trouble? Is she anticipating events at her destination? These questions are the reason I want to read on. A novel has a few pages to clear up questions of this sort.

The only nit is in the last sentence. Now is a present term that I have trouble with in past tense prose. I think the sentence still works without that one word.

I'll read a chapter or two or three if you'd like.

 

Your comments on the hooks are very encouraging, and everyone here should know that reading through your critiques of other openings got this one to this point; it was VERY different a couple of weeks ago. So if you like it, pat yourself on the back. If you don't like it, well, I'm sure you'll tell me!

I see your point about the "now" opening the last sentence. The last two sentences have been an irritation to me for a long time, because, frankly, they feel forced to me. They've gone through at least ten revisions. This probably means I just need to leave them alone for a while and come back after a month or two. When I paint, the equivalent is a muddy, over-mixed mess that I have to scrape off and come back too later. The mention of Jack is important here, otherwise I'd just take it out. Hmmm...maybe the knowledge that I needed it there is what makes me think it's forced.
 

I liked the phrase about pushing a reminder onto her task queue; that makes the technology more interactive. Later when she runs into Leonard, I'd hope to see her internal system prompt her with the reminder.

And the phrase "sensed her attention and began to pulse, offering to center itself" makes it seem like this system is sentient, and gives it a hint of personality (eager to please). Cool!

I assumed she is human with some kind of implant, not a cyborg (because of her emotions and all the biological details). If she is a cyborg, I'd rather know that up front so its not a surprise later.

I paused for a moment at the "line that framed" to puzzle out the visual; I picture a box that is all around the edge of her field of vision. Can't think of a better way to say it.

The words "metaphor" and "idiom" distracted me; they seem out of place. I can live with that if they are explained soon. But of course I also want to know why she is nervous; you have a lot of threads that need follow-up, but at this point the writing makes me trust you'll come through.

The word "Now" doesn't bother me, and the last lines don't strike me as forced. Good work!

[This message has been edited by MrsBrown (edited June 11, 2009).]
 

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I liked the phrase about pushing a reminder onto her task queue; that makes the technology more interactive. Later when she runs into Leonard, I'd hope to see her internal system prompt her with the reminder.

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What a great idea! I hadn't thought of that. Unfortunately, she's never going to get the chance to talk to Leonard , but I can use it later on with other interactions, if you don't mind my stealing it.

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I assumed she is human with some kind of implant, not a cyborg (because of her emotions and all the biological details). If she is a cyborg, I'd rather know that up front so its not a surprise later.

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Yes, I should have clarified when Jeff mentioned the cyborg thing. She is human, with an implant that, among other things, "taps into" the optic nerve.

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I paused for a moment at the "line that framed" to puzzle out the visual; I picture a box that is all around the edge of her field of vision. Can't think of a better way to say it.

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I struggled with it too, but it's encouraging that you got the right idea. I'm still working on the details of that whole visual interface; seems like I may have to design it as if it were real so I can be consistent in using it. (Fun!)

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The words "metaphor" and "idiom" distracted me; they seem out of place. I can live with that if they are explained soon.

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Good feedback. Those are terms used by people who design user interfaces for software, and they probably have zero or wrong meaning for anyone outside that domain. I may need to use more generic terms like "visual cue," because I really wasn't planning on trying to sneak in explanations. Noted, though, and I'll play around with it next time through.

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The word "Now" doesn't bother me, and the last lines don't strike me as forced. Good work!

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Thanks for the encouragement!

[This message has been edited by DWD (edited June 11, 2009).]
 

I appreciate your perspective, and your honesty.