Jeremiah stood, staring out the window before him. It was not a pleasant sight to see through the open space, but then again, was Jerusalem a pleasant place to see at all any more? The street beside his small house was bustling with activity. A stream of people flowed in both ways down the broad street, their torn, drab garments hanging loosely on their bodies as was so sadly common in this stressful time. Their feet kicked up dust that swirled in the air, making it difficult to see. An occasional ox-pulled cart rolled through the crowd, the beasts of burden making all kinds of noises to show their own frustration, mirrored by that of their drivers as they were forced to move ever so slowly through the growing crowd. He could smell the scent of animal dung from the stable
sorry it cuts off abruptly. It was the end of my 13 lines.
Posted by MAP (Member # 8631) on :
This is a good description, but it is only setting the scene. I think you can set the scene and move the story forward at the same time. Describe Jerusalem through some sort of action. Have Jeremiah see something unusual on the street and describe the setting around that.
Posted by annepin (Member # 5952) on :
I have to agree-- you spend a long time describing, but I know nothing about Jeremiah, or even what era this is. You've established the "where", but there's precious little "who", and the what, when, why are entirely absent.
Jeremiah stood, staring out the window before him. It was not a pleasant sight to see through the open space Huh? What does it mean to see through open space?, but then again, was Jerusalem a pleasant place to see at all any more? You're asking me? I dunno-that's why I'm reading the story. The street beside his small house was bustling with activity Is this unusual somehow? Is any of this unusual? If not, why is he observing this on this particular day of all days?. A stream of people flowed in both ways down the broad street, their torn, drab garments hanging loosely on their bodies as was so sadly common in this stressful time what stressful time? Reach for the specific here, don't leave us with empty generic statements. I.e, you could say, "so sadly common since the king had levied his bread tax.. Their feet kicked up dust that swirled in the air, making it difficult to see. An occasional ox-pulled cart rolled through the crowd, the beasts of burden making all kinds of noises to show their own frustration, mirrored by that of their drivers as they were forced to move ever so slowly through the growing crowd. He could smell the scent of animal dung from the stable
Posted by SavantIdiot (Member # 8590) on :
Jeremiah stood, staring out the window before him. [I would drop 'before him'. Looking out a window which was not before you would make no sense.] It was not a pleasant sight to see through the open space, but then again, was Jerusalem a pleasant place to see at all any more? [I think you would have more impact if you dropped the first two phrases entirely. 'Was Jerusalem ever a pleasant sight at all any more?' maybe.] The street beside his small house was bustling with activity. A stream of people flowed in both ways down the broad street, [In ancient Jerusalem were the streets every broad?] their torn, drab garments hanging loosely on their bodies as was so sadly common in this stressful time. Their feet kicked up dust that swirled in the air, making it difficult to see. [I think mentioning their feet is redundant. The street is full of people, moving. Of course it is their movement churning up the dust.] An occasional ox-pulled cart [oxcart is a word, I think] rolled through the crowd, the beasts of burden [I think 'of burden' is excessive here, also I am not sure how much of a hurry oxen get into on their own] making all kinds of noises to show their own frustration, mirrored by that of their drivers as they were forced to move ever so slowly through the growing crowd. He could smell the scent of animal dung from the stable [um. He is in a stable; probably there is more animal dung in there than outside. He is probably swimming in this particular smell.] On the whole, I like this. I would keep reading.