Pitch:
Jonny McMasters is a 17 yr old boy that discovers sad facts about his Country, the United States, after making an acquaintance in Central Park with an elderly man that knows what it was like to live before the times of terrorism, constant code orange, and restricted speech. These revelations send Jonny into the dangerous world of American politics in a post 9-11 world...
1st 13:
A certain day, one generation from the birth of the post-Millennials…
A boy, appearing to be seventeen years of age, hurried along the crumbling paths of Central Park. The worn soles of his Nikes smacked heavily against the broken pavement and his breath came in ragged gasps. Sweat poured profusely from his pores, down his ashen face and into his pale blue eyes and open mouth. His legs moved his body in a state of drunken fatigue and it was obvious he had not physically exerted himself in a long time.
Reaching up, with the hand that held his worn cell phone, he wiped a bead of water that had collected above his left eyebrow and spat the salt from his mouth. It had been quite some time
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited July 22, 2009).]
A certain day, one generation from the birth of the post-Millennials…
A boy, appearing to be seventeen years of age, hurried along the crumbling paths of Central Park. The worn soles of his Nikes smacked heavily against the broken pavement and his breath came in ragged gasps. Sweat poured (If it’s pouring, you probably don’t need profusely. Although, the use of the verb poured in the same sentence as the noun pore should be changed up anyway.) profusely from his pores, down his ashen face and into his pale blue eyes and open mouth. His legs moved his body in a state of drunken fatigue and it was obvious he had not physically exerted himself in a long time. (lots of adjectives in this paragraph. It might be better if you tried using some similes and metaphors in the the description.)
Reaching up, (no comma necessary I don’t think) with the hand that held his worn cell phone, he wiped a bead of water that had collected above his left eyebrow and spat the salt from his mouth. It had been quite some time since his body had been exerted like this. (You already mentioned that he hadn’t physically exerted himself in a long time.) With the removal of gym class in the sixth grade, and doing nothing but learning in the three (I guess this got cut off, so I don't understand what you were trying to say exactly.)
I would be interested in seeing where your story goes. I think it would be hard to make a non-cliched story about somebody finding out the awful truth about the United States in the aftermath of 9/11. It would really have to have an original take to work.
How long is it? I might be willing to read the whole thing.
[This message has been edited by Rexwell (edited July 22, 2009).]