Jimmy Jerusalem snapped off the boat’s tiny electric engine. The punt drifted through the misty darkness that was the Chiswick Ponding and Jimmy flipped on his high-intensity torch. The beam played across the surface of the black water. “It could have collapsed.” Marcus Deval's whisper carried from the far end of the punt. "Stuff rots in water, even stonework." “Relax--it’ll be here,” Jimmy said without turning. “You don’t arrange a meet in a non-existent place; they would have checked." The boy had first-mission nerves, making the whole deal more precarious, more dangerous for them both. “Zip it, Marcus--they could have directional mics aimed at us.” The beam of his torch picked out the gnarled tree-tops that spiralled from the water’s surface. Terracotta chimney pots--
Version Two:
Jimmy Jerusalem snapped off the boat’s tiny electric engine. The punt drifted through the misty darkness that was the Chiswick Ponding and Jimmy flipped on his high-intensity torch. The beam played across the surface of the black water. “It could have collapsed.” Marcus Deval's whisper carried from the far end of the punt. "Stuff rots in water, even stonework." “Relax--it’ll be here,” Jimmy said without turning. The boy had first-mission nerves, making the whole deal more precarious, more dangerous for them both. “Anyway, zip it, Marcus.” The white light picked out the odd gnarled tree-top spiralling from the water’s surface, as well as chimneys--gravestone markers for the decaying houses below--jutting out here and there.The torch flashed across something butter-yellow three
[This message has been edited by skadder (edited July 26, 2009).]
[This message has been edited by skadder (edited July 26, 2009).]
Posted by BenM (Member # 8329) on :
The [“Relax--it’ll be here,”] sentence bothered me. If Jimmy was really worried about [directional mics aimed at us] then I'd have expected him to look sternly at Marcus and make a hand signal to shut the hell up. Instead, because he first explains (perhaps for the reader's benefit) the purpose of the search, and *then* notes the problem with talking, the exchange reads like a thinly veiled infodump.
Posted by skadder (Member # 6757) on :
Yeah, I caught that too. They are quite obviously going somewhere and the fact it is a meet can be revealed later. The directional mic thing can go to---especially since it kinda puts the chance of a little dialogue out the window.
New version above.
Posted by wetwilly (Member # 1818) on :
Of the two, I like the sparser second version. The explanations in the 1st one are unnecessary and bog down the action.
I like this opening. I would keep reading. I want to find out what this meeting is all about.
Posted by Owasm (Member # 8501) on :
Version two is tighter and gets you into the story more quickly.
I like the venue and the tension. You did a good job with this.
Posted by annepin (Member # 5952) on :
Jimmy Jerusalem snapped off the boat’s tiny this adjective (tiny) kind of stopped the flow for me. Do we really need to know it's tiny? electric engine. The punt drifted through the misty darkness that was the Chiswick Ponding and Jimmy flipped on his high-intensity torch. The beam played across the surface of the black water. “It could have collapsed.” Marcus Deval's whisper carried from the far end of the punt. "Stuff rots in water, even stonework." “Relax--it’ll be here,” Jimmy said without turning. The boy had first-mission nerves, making the whole deal more precarious, more dangerous for them both I think this could be better couched in the character's perspective, making it less of a statement of fact and more of an emotion or feeling that the character is having.. “Anyway, zip it, Marcus.”The "anyway" to me makes the danger less believable, since it seems like an afterthought. I.e., the need for silence isn't foremost on his mind. Maybe this is what you're going for. The white light picked out the odd gnarled tree-top spiralling spiralingfrom the water’s surface, as well as chimneys--gravestone markers for the decaying houses below--jutting out here and there.The torch flashed across something butter-yellow three
I would turn the page. In a short time you've effectively created tension, conflict, atmosphere, a clear visual image, and anticipation. I think you could do a little more to evoke character. Nice job.
[This message has been edited by annepin (edited July 30, 2009).]
Posted by skadder (Member # 6757) on :
Thanks for the comments.
@Annepin.
...The boy had first-mission nerves, making the whole deal more precarious, more dangerous for them both .
This is meant to be Jimmy's opinion. I have been trying to avoid using terms like 'Jimmy thought' etc to tag opinions and thoughts (indirect) as I think they make you more aware of the POV--but in a negative way. My assumption is that since it is Jimmy's POV (I think I have established that well enough) any opinionated statements are views of the world through Jimmy's eyes. So they are statements of fact from his point of view. e.g.
The idiot kept eyeballing him. Jimmy pulled out his gun, but kept it hidden below the counter. He'd sort the guy out, steal his car and ride into the sunset--a good plan. "Tell Jabba, that I'll pay him..."
Silence isn't required for the mission...they are going to meet someone--just Jimmy doen't like idle chatter.
FYI, the UK spelling of spiralling is with a double L...if you change your language on MSword to UK english you'll see.
I am interested to know what further characterisation you would have put in (as this is something I am currently focusing on) and how.
Adam
[This message has been edited by skadder (edited July 31, 2009).]
Posted by annepin (Member # 5952) on :
Oh brother, you called me on it! It's something I wrote mostly by instinct, but I think it's worth exploring. Bear with me as I try to feel my way through it.
quote: The boy had first-mission nerves, making the whole deal more precarious, more dangerous for them both.
I agree, it's clearly enough that this is Jimmy's opinion. It's possible this is how Jimmy is, but to me it feels sterile. There's nothing that evokes character--whether in phrasing, word choice, or content. I think there's a way to say it using, perhaps, words that the character himself might use or couched in a way that he might actually think. Maybe more specifically.
Since I don't like to rewrite people's stuff I'll produce a parallel example:
quote: "Hand it over, already," Bobby Babylon said. His brother would break the controller with his clumsy hands, ruining the game for both of them.
could be something like:
quote: Sooner or later Davie would break the game controller and screw things up. He always did.
I realize it's a small difference, but to me (maybe because I wrote it?) the latter version reads much more in character. It means essentially the same thing, but the diction ("screw things up"), the phrasing (short, simple sentences), and the tone (terse and irate) better convey Bobby's voice and emotion.
Posted by skadder (Member # 6757) on :
I hear you and that was a good example. Thanks for teaching me something.
I will ponder...
Posted by Devin (Member # 8735) on :
Jimmy Jerusalem snapped off the boat’s tiny electric engine. [With a name like Jimmy and the tiny electric engine (should be motor by the way) I immediately thought it was a toy boat.] The punt [The boat is a punt? That is specific and unusual. Makes me immediately wonder why they are in a punt and not some other type of boat. Why does the punt have an electric motor when they are meant to be poled. Also I don’t think most american readers will know what a punt is.] drifted through the misty darkness that was the Chiswick Ponding [Chiswick Ponding is a distracting name, ponding is a verb and one that is not used very often.] and Jimmy flipped on his high-intensity torch. [Tactical flashlights usually do not flip on most often they have momentary push button on the tailcap and the tailcap rotates to lock the light on.] The beam played across the surface of the black water. “It could have collapsed.” Marcus Deval's whisper carried from the far end of the punt. "Stuff rots in water, even stonework." “Relax--it’ll be here,” [Why the --?] Jimmy said without turning. The boy had first-mission nerves, making the whole deal more precarious, more dangerous for them both. “Anyway, zip it, Marcus.” The white light picked out the odd gnarled tree-top spiralling from the water’s surface, as well as chimneys--gravestone markers for the decaying houses below--jutting out here and there. [Again I would lose the -- as well as the phase ‘jutting out here and there’ it adds nothing.] The torch flashed across something butter-yellow three
In a previous version Jimmy was worried about directional mics, also Marcus is whispering and the use of an electric motor is implying an attempt at stealth. If this is the case turning a flashlight on at night is very un-stealthy.
It's something I wrote mostly by instinct, but I think it's worth exploring. Bear with me as I try to feel my way through it.