Hatrack River Writers Workshop: Architects.Chapter 1 fishing for feedback, merci a priori

This is topic Architects.Chapter 1 fishing for feedback, merci a priori in forum Fragments and Feedback for Books at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by waterchaser (Member # 8729) on :

I am going to post a new introduction here. Let me know if you are interested in reading more.
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He lacked Tack's technical expertise, but he suspected that activating the gravity coils in a planet’s atmosphere would be disastrous. He made a split-second decision. Kill the entire ship’s power, manually eject, and hope for the best.

As the ground rushed up toward the ship, he jerked the handle of the nano-cord, thankful for the signaling hiss as all the seals were burned away from the cockpit. The wind caught his face as the cockpit lost compression and the unsealed top came loose. No sooner than he had released his safety straps, he was airborne. He stretched out, trying to spread some the weight around as he fell. He was aiming for the water, but saw at the last second he had over shot it and was headed for the beach. That was last thing he remembered before hitting the ground at two hundred and twenty miles an hour.

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In space, there is no drum roll before the din of battle, no comforting accompaniment to cruel aggression signals warriors to arrange their hearts and minds for a life or death struggle.

In space there is only silence; only the noise the Pilot brings with him, the grind of the elements of his surroundings like a tired, broken extension of his will, and he hopes when his ship bursts into silent fire, the Pilot is ready.

The Plutonian outpost, loneliest orbiter in the entire Solar system, was in Michael’s cold opinion the most important one. Christened the Last Frontier, it was a spherical self-sustaining environment; a military satellite slowly circling the last

[This message has been edited by waterchaser (edited July 28, 2009).]

[This message has been edited by waterchaser (edited August 08, 2009).]

[This message has been edited by waterchaser (edited August 29, 2009).]

Posted by Rexwell (Member # 8719) on :

In space, there is no drum roll before the din of battle,(I think you need a semi-colon or period instead of a comma) no comforting accompaniment to cruel aggression signals warriors to arrange their hearts and minds for a life or death struggle.
In space there is only silence; (I think this next sentence should be a complete sentence.) only the noise the Pilot brings with him, the grind of the elements of his surroundings like a tired, broken extension of his will, and he hopes when his ship bursts into silent fire, the Pilot is ready.

The Plutonian outpost, loneliest orbiter in the entire Solar system, was in Michael’s cold (why must his opinion be cold? It doesn't sound like a cold opinion.) opinion the most important one. Christened the Last Frontier, it was a spherical self-sustaining environment; (instead of a semi-colon, I think you want a colon. Semicolon's are supposed to have complete sentences on either side. They are meant to be slightly looser than periods.) a military satellite slowly circling the last

Your story sounds interesting. My technical comments were minor. I get the idea that a battle is coming and I get some idea of the setting. Good start.

Posted by ade (Member # 8544) on :

In space, (my take is no need for a comma) there is no drum roll before the din of battle, (maybe a semi-colon at this point rather than a comma) no comforting accompaniment to cruel aggression signals warriors to arrange their hearts and minds for a life or death struggle.
In space there is only silence; only the noise the Pilot brings with him, the grind of the elements of his surroundings like a tired, broken extension of his will, and he hopes when his ship bursts into silent fire, the Pilot is ready. (thought it was going well until last part of syntax. Are you trying to create the allusion that the pilot thinks of himself in the third person? If so it works)

The Plutonian outpost, loneliest orbiter in the entire Solar system, was in Michael’s cold opinion the most important one (most important what? orbiter or outpost?). Christened the Last Frontier, it was a spherical self-sustaining environment; a military satellite slowly circling the last

Sounds like it could be an intriguing story but for me there is no hook. Some of the sentences run a little awkward like the 'there is only silence; only the noise...' This jolted me. Maybe switch it round - 'the only noise that breaks the silence of space...'

I think the emphasis shifts between the 3 paragraphs happen too fast. In 13 lines we are getting three perspectives of setting and all are passive, not dramatic.

Posted by SavantIdiot (Member # 8590) on :

He was not Tack, but something told him [that] activating the gravity coils in a planet’s atmosphere could be disastrous. He made a split[-]second decision. Kill the entire ship’s power, manually eject, and hope for the best.
As the ground rushed up towards [toward, I think, not towards] his face, he pulled [the] handle of the nano-cord and a hiss resulted as all the seals were burned away from the cockpit. [the seals between the cockpit and what? did he just jettison his cockpit from his ship?] The wind caught his face as the cockpit lost compression and the unsealed cabin cap [what's a cabin cap?] came loose. No sooner than he had let go of his safety straps,[I would use a semi colon here, if not a colon] he was airborne. He stretched himself, [I would get rid of 'himself' here] trying to spread some [of] the [his instead of the?] weight around as he fell. He was aiming for the water, but saw at the last second [I would dump 'second', I think it reads better without] [that] he had over shot it [is 'it' necessary or beneficial here?] and was headed [instead for? straight for?] for the beach. That was last thing [he] remembered before hitting the ground at two hundred and twenty miles an hour.

OW! Okay, I think he's dead. That was engaging, if a very short story indeed.

Posted by waterchaser (Member # 8729) on :

Savantidiot,

Yes, he jettisoned his cockpit from his ship. And he isn't dead. and it isn't a short story. You are a good guesser. Thanks for the feedback.

Posted by nathanpence (Member # 8757) on :

Weight has nothing to do with falling, but wind resistance does. I personally am not big into Sci-Fi so take this with a grain of salt, but alot of techno-jargon in the first few lines is a big turn-off for me.

That said, crash landing on a planet is cool. It kinda reminds me of "Enemy Mine"

Posted by MAP (Member # 8631) on :

Waterchaser,

Savantidiot can correct me if I am wrong, but I think Savantidiot finds it hard to believe that anyone can survive a crash at a speed over two hundred miles per hour, and I have to agree. Why doesn't he have a parachute.

Posted by SavantIdiot (Member # 8590) on :

In space, there is no drum roll before the din of battle, no comforting accompaniment to cruel aggression signals warriors to arrange their hearts and minds for a life or death struggle.
I'm glad he survived the crash! And I liked that beginning!
This one:
In space there is only silence; only (and only?) (we can't have only silence; only the noise...) the noise the Pilot (the Pilot is a thing, not a person?) brings with him (the him is the person, not the Pilot?), the grind of the elements of his surroundings (the noise the Pilot brings?) like a tired, broken extension of his will, and he hopes when his ship bursts into silent fire, the Pilot is ready. (I think the last phrase is what made me certain the Pilot is not 'he' and 'him' but it isn't that clear.)

The Plutonian outpost, loneliest orbiter (a device again? not a moon?) in the entire Solar system, was in Michael’s cold opinion the most important one. Christened the Last Frontier, it was a spherical self-sustaining environment; a military satellite slowly circling the last

I DO like Science Fiction and gnash my teeth at its fading away. I don't understand a lot of the technical references but I still love them. And over time I 'get' things.

Keep it up, please!

Posted by aspirit (Member # 7974) on :

The top 13 is new, right? I'd read more. I like that this guy is guessing about what to do. The tone (or what I consider tone) and pacing also work for me.

quote:
He lacked Tack's technical expertise, but he suspected that activating the gravity coils in a planet’s atmosphere would be disastrous. [I'm already hooked.]He made a split-second decision. Kill the entire ship’s power, manually eject, and hope for the best.
As the ground rushed up toward the ship, he jerked the handle of the nano-cord[What is this? A release cord made of nanites?], thankful for the signaling hiss as all the seals were burned away from the cockpit. The wind caught his face as the cockpit lost compression and the unsealed top came loose. No sooner than he had released his safety straps, he was airborne. He stretched out, trying to spread some [of] the[I also prefer "his"] weight around[don't need] as he fell. He was aiming for the water, but saw at the last second he had over shot[One word: "overshot"] it and was headed for the beach. That was last thing he remembered before hitting the ground at two hundred and twenty miles an hour.

This guy's something special to survive... or revive from... that impact.

Posted by MrsBrown (Member # 5195) on :

Gah! Please post a Revision instead of overwriting the original. How can I compare them? How do I know its been reposted when I only see one? Thanks

That said, this opening is great. I agree with aspirit's comments.

The handle of the nano-cord could just be release cord--you've got enough other tech stuff going on.

"last" is repeated twice, and I bet one of them is unneeded. Maybe: He was aiming for the water, but he overshot it and headed...

"No sooner than he had released his safety straps, he was airborne." Um, I think teh grammar is off. I think it should be: No sooner had he released his safety straps, than he was airborne. But don't take my word for it!

I'd rather see this guy's name up front, especially since we got "Tack". But it may be okay as long as the next time we meet him, the name is given and there's no question as to who he is.

[This message has been edited by MrsBrown (edited September 04, 2009).]