Original Version:
Amber's breath fogged the window pane as the night air chilled the glass. Her waist long hair was pulled back away from her cherubic face as she intensely examined the foggy canvas she had created. She began to design a medieval landscape, with a castle tower, rudimentary dragon, and herself as a princess with a heavily jeweled crown all drawn in stick figure style.
Amber watched as a freshly washed year old silver sedan pulled up into the driveway next to a red rusty Oldsmobile. A few moments later she called upon her brother, who sat on the couch, only a few feet away from the window. "Mom’s home." She stated, and then jumped off the chair and left the room. She ran enthusiastically up the stairs and left the nearly
I worked on conciseness. How is POV here? Is it distracting to make the brother the emphasis?
Revised Version:
Persephone's breath fogged the window pane. She pulled her long hair back away from her face as she intensely examined the foggy canvas she had created. She drew a medieval landscape, with a castle tower, rudimentary dragon, and herself as a princess with a heavily jeweled crown all drawn in stick figure style with her fingers.
A clean silver sedan pulled up into the driveway next to a red, rusty Oldsmobile. She whispered, “Mom’s home,” and jumped off her bed. She darted down the stairs and abandoned the evaporating art on the window. She got to the doorway of the family room, where her brother sat in front of the television, when the car door slammed.
"Crap!" Eric exclaimed. He bent forward so he could see into
[This message has been edited by thayeller (edited September 24, 2009).]
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited September 24, 2009).]
I like your first paragraph and would want to find out more about Amber.
"Amber's breath fogged the window pane as the night air chilled the glass. Her waist long hair was pulled back away from her face as she intensely examined the foggy canvas she had created. She began to design a medieval landscape, with a castle tower, rudimentary dragon, and herself as a princess with a heavily jeweled crown all drawn in stick figure style.
Amber watched as a freshly washed year old silver sedan pulled up into the driveway next to a red rusty Oldsmobile. She instantly told her brother who sat on the couch, “Mom’s home,” and then jumped off the chair and darted up the stairs and left the nearly "
here's my question, does it sound like she wants to get away from her mom when she runs up the stairs? What I want to convey is that she is easily bored.
[This message has been edited by thayeller (edited August 13, 2009).]
I thought she was running up the stairs to see her mom, I was thinking the house was a split level or raised ranch. Why would you run enthusiastically away from someone?
Thanks - this has been helpful - I usually struggle with characters motivation for some of the stuff they do. In this scene hers doesn't work. I will have to fix it.
I think you did a great job setting up the character of Amber. Here are a few a problems and questions I had.
quote:
Amber watched as a freshly washed year old silver sedan pulled up into the driveway next to a red rusty Oldsmobile.
It is night. How would Amber see that the car is silver or notice that it was freshly washed? Are these details really important? All she would see is headlights and a vague outline of a car, but that would be enough for her to know that her mother is home.
quote:
What I want to convey is that she is easily bored.
I think you need to show why she was distracted. Maybe she sees the family pet or wants to find her favorite toy. How you have it with her running upstairs with no clear reason is odd, unless you mean for her to be odd.
I also wonder why Amber is so easily distracted from the arrival of her mom. My experience with very young children is that the reunion with their parents, particularly the primary caregiver, is really important to them and that they are not easily distracted from it. Are you trying to convey that Amber is not a normal child or that there is a strain in her relationship with her mother? Or maybe I think Amber is younger than she is.
Hope this helps.
[This message has been edited by MAP (edited August 14, 2009).]
Yeah it did. Thanks.
Its actually about 6 so its still light out -just doesn't show that part in the lines I have shared. The car being cleaned is not really important, but it comes into play in a very minor way, possible unnecessary. But since I am usually too sparse on details I was trying to be extra detailed. Luckily these can also be edited out if useless.
Thanks for the suggestions. I need her to be distracted more, its a character trait. She is probably older than you think she is, but that is on purpose. She acts younger than she is by a few years. I don't want her to be odd per say but she doesn't act normal for her age. I am trying to revise that scene a bit with more clear motivations.
I am pretty glad I decided to join. Its nice to see new perspectives.
[This message has been edited by thayeller (edited August 14, 2009).]
[This message has been edited by thayeller (edited August 14, 2009).]
Through her bedroom window she watched as a freshly washed year old silver sedan pulled up into the driveway next to a red rusty Oldsmobile. She whispered, “Mom’s home,” and jumped off of her bed. She darted down the stairs and left the nearly dissipated piece of art on the window. She got to the doorway of the family room, where her brother sat as he watched
this is the newest revision. I decided the Amber running up stairs wasn't important and perhaps this way of her running to her mom makes more sense.
[This message has been edited by thayeller (edited August 17, 2009).]
looks good!
The red car is her brother's car and they eventually go on a adventure in it. So that's why i mentioned it, but again, I think I focused on the details too much. It could be said in a more concise way. Thanks for pointing that out.
Amber is kind of hard for me to describe sometimes. My next goal is balancing her super sweet persona with her tendency to annoy some people.
Plus, it's a great way to introduce humor and/or tension.
I have a random question. Have you, anyone, heard of the kid game Sardines which is Hide n seek in reverse? I wonder because I haven't really heard of it outside of where I live and I don't want to put a local kid game in my novel. I just wonder if it has different names.
As long as you make the rules clear, you can use any game whether anyone anywhere actually plays it or not (consider J. K. Rowling's quidditch).
is that far enough away not to be local?
It took me a few times to realize she was drawing on the window. Foggy canvas didn't register at first. Perhaps, instead of she began to design, you can say. She drew on the glass with a finger.
I am almost wondering if it would work better if you got right into it. Amber breathed on the window pane, fogging it up, and drew on the foggy canvas with a finger.
You used three "as" clauses. I might change one of them.
The second sentence doesn't work IMO. The first clause tells us the state of her hair. The second clause tells us what Amber is doing. Connecting these with an "as" makes no sense because how can the state of her hair being doing something while Amber is doing something else?
You could write: She pulled her long hair back away from her face as she intensely examined the foggy canvas she had created.
"freshly washed, year-old, silver sedan," is a mouthful.
Perhaps you could choose what is most important, or restructure the information.
. . . she watched as a clean, silver sedan pulled . . .
. . . she watched as a year-old, silver sedan that was freshly washed pulled . . .
I prefer the first. Clean is pretty much the same as freshly washed. Year-old doesn't seem important.
I would place a comma between red and rusty.
You could remove "of" from "jumped off of" without changing the meaning.
I think it's a good opening. It tells us a lot about Amber that we have to infer, which is how it should be. ļ
You might want to watch for how often you use the word "as" to connect clauses.
[This message has been edited by Architectus (edited September 21, 2009).]
Architectus
Good points. I know I like to use as, a lot. I didn't realize how much I had use it.
[This message has been edited by thayeller (edited September 24, 2009).]
I had no problems while reading it. It all made perfect sense and painted a nice image in my mind. The only thing I think it's missing is the night-time part. I would try to addd that back in somehow.
Maybe when she is about to draw. She pressed her finger to the glass chilled by the night air. Or something.
Feel free to comment on my 13 for Lightning Elves.
-------------------------
This is what helps me flesh-out my stories
[This message has been edited by Architectus (edited October 02, 2009).]