This is a book geered toward high school girls. It is a non-scifi romance.
Allen Matthews pulled his parents' mini van into a secluded spot on a mountainside, overlooking Tremonton, Utah. The view was beautiful in the summer night; but that wasn't the reason Allen parked there. Allen gently took Melissa Patrick's hand to guide her to the middle seat of the van. Melissa hesitated. “It's okay,” Allen reassured. They snuggled together and watched as the shadow of the mountain stretched across the valley. Soon, familiarity moved the couple into kissing as intensely as when they'd left off yesterday. It wasn't one minute into their making out session when Melissa got that all too familiar feeling in the pit of her stomach. She knew they needed to quit, but was surprised that the sensation came so quickly, tonight.
Note from Kathleen: please read this topic to see how to tell when you've posted 13 lines.
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited August 13, 2009).]
Posted by wad (Member # 2871) on :
Fairly engaging, makes the reader ask some questions. Couple of technical tidbits:
Change the semicolon into a comma. Too many "Allen"s, use the "he" pronoun a couple of times. "making out session" should be "makeout session" or "make-out session".
Keep up the good writing!
Posted by MrsBrown (Member # 5195) on :
It bothers me that we start out in Allen's Point of View (POV) but then end in Melissa's head, knowing her feelings. Perhaps you are writing in full omni? That perspective is not to my personal taste because I can't identify as deeply with each Main Character (MC); I would not read on for that reason.
If you do want to write from the POV of one character at a time, then a paragraph break before "It wasn't one minute..." would help. But that's an awfully quick transition. The usual suggestion is one chapter (or section) per character.
I am curious to read just a bit more to find out why "tonight" is different.
[This message has been edited by MrsBrown (edited August 17, 2009).]
Posted by Zero (Member # 3619) on :
I was going to say the same thing. The shift in POV is jarring.
Posted by wad (Member # 2871) on :
Huh, wow, I didn't even notice the POV shift. Looks like I've got some learning to do! Posted by tj5to1 (Member # 8575) on :
Allen Matthews pulled his parents' mini van into a secluded spot on a mountainside, overlooking Tremonton, Utah. The view was beautiful in the summer night. Allen gently took Melissa Patrick's hand to guide her to the middle seat of the van. “It's okay,” Allen reassured, when Melissa hesitated. They snuggled together and watched as the shadow of the mountain stretched across the valley. Soon, familiarity moved the couple into kissing as intensely as when they'd left off yesterday. It wasn't one minute into their make-out session when Melissa got that all too familiar feeling in the pit of her stomach. She knew they needed to quit, but was surprised that the sensation came so quickly, tonight.
Posted by nathanpence (Member # 8757) on :
The phrase, "It wasn't one minute..." seems like the weakest portion of the segment. It doesn't flow, and instead of telling me when something did happen, it tells me when it didn't. I understand that you're saying that it was quick, but you say it again in the next sentence and the phrase just lacks beauty. The other thing that bothers me is that these teenagers go off to lookout point to watch the sunset and apparentlt don't start making out at all until that's over and then get furious about it. The furious I get, but the waiting? I've not known too many teenagers who can hold onto their hormones long enough to be that patient...
You still have your POV problem. If the story is about the girl which is how it ends up looking, then start in her perspective, if it's about the boy, which is how you start then finish in his perspective. It's not that hard a fix.
The girl rode in the boy's van to the make-out spot. She was nervous, but she really liked him. She liked the way he reassured her as he took her hand and lead her to the backseat...
... They were making out and the boy could sense her hesitation. He knew she was about to put on the 'brakes.' He knew he was supposed to be the gentleman and stop so she wouldn't have say anything, but he didn't want to...
whatever...
Posted by tj5to1 (Member # 8575) on :
Parked in a secluded spot on a mountainside, overlooking Tremonton, Utah, Melissa Patrick wasn't noticing the view but was looking at Allen Matthews as he turned off the engine. He gave her that familiar grin that she loved and gently took her hand to guide her to the middle seat of the mini van. They snuggled together, and started kissing as intensely as where they'd left off yesterday. Suddenly, Melissa got that all too familiar feeling(italicized) in the pit of her stomach. She knew they needed to quit, but was surprised that the sensation came so quickly and strongly, tonight. Just as she was about to speak up, Allen pulled back and stated gravely, “We need to stop.”
Posted by SavantIdiot (Member # 8590) on :
I am glad you dropped the 'make out session', 'making out', etc. A young girl is likely to romanticize physical love more than anything else. She would not make it smaller and less significant like this; certainly not in her own mind.
I wonder if you need their whole names in this sentence? If we are looking through her eyes at the focus of her 'amour' during such an encounter, I think she isn't likely to think 'Allen Mathews' but 'Allen'. For some reason it didn't bother me to identify her whole name, just his.
I would probably keep reading but wonder where it was going. A romance which starts out in a smoldering clench might not have as many places 'to go', you know?
But I suspect them both pulling back may answer that quickly.
