Hatrack River Writers Workshop: My 13 liner. Please critique. Please be harsh.

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Posted by electronicron (Member # 8727) on :

Amidst a dark and tangled stand of fir trees sat Fenra of Dayon, sullen and alone. Before him rolled ancient hills the color of rust - above him towered massive, black pillars of cloud in a sky as heavy as his heart. The sharpened steel at his side had taken him here, through a path of blood and frenzy. He knew the blade was the reason for his woes, and yet he was unable to lay it aside - it was bound to him by his own deeds. That black patch of brambles and needles must have looked an appropriate stoop indeed for the troubled soldier.

A crimson sun burned through the clouds as it sunk behind the hills, bathing mossy heaps of stone and brush in a gory light. Fenra wearily eyed the landscape, searching, as dusk fell upon the countryside. The signs of his stalkers had been noticed some

Posted by genevive42 (Member # 8714) on :

Honestly, this feels very stiff. You could combine a lot of it more smoothly while still conveying the same information.

Maybe something like:

Fenra of Dayon stood sullen and alone amidst the dark tangle of trees as he looked over the ancient, rust colored hills.

Then get to his reason for being sullen and alone pretty quickly. Then give us a reason to care about this tortured soul. Don't be cryptic about it.

Right now it feels like you're working hard to put in lavish description when we really need to know more about the character. Make me want to read about him and then I'll be happy to look at the pictures you want to paint along the way.

Hope this helps.

Posted by MrsBrown (Member # 5195) on :

I agree with genevive42; too heavy in description and too cryptic. I would add:

Fenra feels sullen. He observes his surroundings and thinks about his blade. So far we are in Fenra’s head, seeing the world through his eyes and experiencing his internal state. Then we suddenly get yanked out of his perspective with: “That black patch of brambles and needles must have looked an appropriate stoop indeed for the troubled soldier.” This switch to the narrator’s perspective is jarring. You don't need this sentence.

Second paragraph, I suggest ditching the first sentence and continue with Fenra’s perspective.
Let me take a guess at how you might have finished the last sentence, and then show an alternative:
Guess: “The signs of his stalkers had been noticed some time that morning.” Who noticed the signs? Fenra?
Alternative: “There had been no sign of his stalkers since the morning.” Now I am still in Fenra’s perspective.

One more take, where I feel uncertain about what to suggest (this is highly subjective):
Fenra stands alone. He sees the landscape and feels heavy hearted. He reflects on why he is here. He is troubled. He sees the landscape. He searches the landscape. Stalkers are mentioned.

Nothing is happening. This is a very static opening, and I’m left feeling bored. There are two elements that have potential to raise my interest: He has a blade that he does not want but cannot lay aside, and he is being stalked. I would tentatively suggest honing in on either or these elements. But be cautious about telling backstory (the past) right at the start; its better to be in the present moment, and sprinkle in the backstory. Possible ideas: what is his current state? Is he wounded, worn out, hungry, short on supplies? Are the stalkers a serious threat? Is there a specific recent event that leaves him feeling sullen?

But please, don't mind these crits too much! As they keep telling me, its better to move ahead and write the story; leave editing until later. You have a story to tell.

[This message has been edited by MrsBrown (edited August 18, 2009).]

Posted by nathanpence (Member # 8757) on :

I would say that I agree with the comments above except that I don't really see the description as too heavy if it's for the mood. There are different techniques for mood setting and one way I've noticed in my reading over the years is that authors tend to get wordier with heavier moods. It slows the pace and of the reader and brings everything in line. If this is your typical writing style and/or it's going to be pervasive then it is by all means too much. But if it's intentional for a momentary mood then I think it can work, it helps establish Fenra's brooding personality.

I do agree with the comments about the line "That black patch of brambles and needles must have looked an appropriate stoop indeed for the troubled soldier." In fact now I think you're just beating me over the head with the "Hey he's a brooding soldier" stick. But there is an idea for you to explore there. Did Fenra actively choose to sit in the brambles? Is he that self-loathing that he feels the need to punish himself? Or is he so disconnected with his physicality due to whatever trauma made him the brooder that he is, that he doesn't care where he sits. Both represent a level of madness for the character as he is either not actively avoiding discomfort or he is actively seeking discomfort, neither of which is normal behavior... Just my two cents, which are worth more in Canada...