The old metal mirror was worn and battered, much the same as the bitter, self-defeated countenance it now partially portrayed along its tarnished surface. Scratch dipped his hands in the now pink water of his basin and rinsed them, the leather skin of his hands scarred and weathered. Fresh blood dripped from his nose down into the bowl a red ball in pink waters that lengthened and faded into a sanguine ribbon before diffusing into the water like its predecessors. Scratch brought his palms out of the water to rinse his face but stopped short and stared at the thickness of his hands, at the power evident in his gnarled fingers, at the scars and callouses of a lifetime of hard labor, at the stumps where the last two fingers of his left hand had been claimed by a blade so many years before.
SECOND VERSION
The old metal mirror was worn and battered, much the same as the bitter, self-defeated countenance it now portrayed along its tarnished surface. Scratch dipped his hands in the basin and rinsed them, the leather skin of his hands scarred and weathered. Fresh blood dripped from his nose down into the bowl, a red ball in pink waters that lengthened and faded into a sanguine ribbon before diffusing. Scratch brought his palms up to rinse his face but stopped short and stared at the thickness of his hands, at the power evident in his gnarled fingers, at the scars and calluses of a lifetime of hard labor, at the stumps where his last two fingers of his left hand had been claimed by a blade so many years before. He stared at his hands as if seeing them and the blood on them for the first...
THIRD VERSION
The old metal mirror was worn and battered, much the same as the bitter, self-defeated countenance it now portrayed along its tarnished surface. Scratch dipped his hands in the basin and rinsed them, the leather skin scarred and weathered. Fresh blood dripped from his nose down into the bowl, a red ball in pink waters that lengthened and faded into a sanguine ribbon before diffusing. Scratch brought his palms up to rinse his face but stopped short and stared at the thickness of his hands, at the power evident in his gnarled fingers, at the scars and calluses of a lifetime of hard labor, at the stumps where his last two fingers of his left hand had been claimed by a blade so many years before.
"It’s what I am. It’s what I done. Too late for apologies now."
Let me know, and thanks for the help in advance!
[This message has been edited by nathanpence (edited August 19, 2009).]
[This message has been edited by nathanpence (edited August 20, 2009).]
[This message has been edited by nathanpence (edited August 20, 2009).]
[This message has been edited by nathanpence (edited August 20, 2009).]
I like Scratch. The physical description is evocative. I’m not sure what type of POV you are going for, because so far all the observations could be from the outside (a fly-on-the-wall observer watching what he is doing). I’m not inside his head yet, which is my personal preference of where I’d like to be. As Card says, the first sentence is “free”, but after that he generally recommends dipping into the MC’s head. I say this because the intimacy of your description makes me think you might be going for close, limited 3rd person.
The description of the blood dropping into the water is cinematic, like watching a movie. I like the description, but it does create distance. Which is fine if you’re writing in omni POV.
I hope the next line keeps me in the present instead of dipping back into his distant past.
EDITED: After reading again, I think we are somewhat in his head, because he reflects on the personal history that his hands tell. Earlier elements made it feel distant; especially the 1st sentence, the dripping blood, and the emphasis on physical description without internal emotions/thoughts. Instead of showing the "bitter, self-defeated countenance" in the mirror, I'd like Scratch to feel bitter and defeated about ...whatever. But I can't tell you how (not much use, am I?)
Line edits: Water is mentioned four times.
First sentence: suggest cutting “partially” (although I get that the metal mirror is not highly reflective).
2nd sentence: suggest cutting the repetitive pink water: …dipped his hands in the basin…
3rd sentence: need a comma after bowl. Suggest dropping “like its predecessors”.
Suggest: Scratch raised his cupped palms to rinse his face… My spell checker suggests “calluses”.
Hope this helps. Take what you like and leave the rest.
[This message has been edited by MrsBrown (edited August 19, 2009).]
Line edits (more, I’ll always find more):
two “hands” in one sentence … the leather skin of his hands… suggest: their leathered skin
sorry, gotta run… someone else please give a perspective here?
Also, I dislike the use of portraying when you are talking about a reflective surface. Portray suggests an author, not helpless property of a metal or reflective surface.
I do hope life improves for Scratch!