The dragon doesn't show up until the 'story' story!
Here is the first paragraph of the preface, not quite thirteen lines:
Every nation follows the same inevitable slide into despotism. Those individuals who crave to rule are only ever opposed, in time, by others of the same ilk; the rest of us, the ones they both wish to farm like mink, rarely spend much time worrying over who sits in the seats of power, being occupied with our lives and lacking the urge toward royalty and only rebel when no other course is tolerable. The few who are suspicious enough to realize something is up are fairly easily misdirected and this is generally accomplished using our own suspicions against us. "We aren’t the ones determined to oppress you;" they say, "It’s them! We must fight them! Let us raise up soldiers among your sons, let us tax you at higher and higher rates to arm them well!" It is easy to convince us of such a
Thanks very much!
[This message has been edited by SavantIdiot (edited August 20, 2009).]
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited August 21, 2009).]
Also near the end I think you use the wrong two (to/too) whatever... check your intent there... that line was edited out when Kathleen cut your lines down to size I believe...
[This message has been edited by nathanpence (edited August 21, 2009).]
My husband had the same reaction so you are not alone. He is a pretty smart guy, too.
This is the preface. I can remove the thing entirely. Who reads prefaces, anyway?
Now I have to tell my spouse he might be right about something. Dang.
It is also nicely written.
“Every government has a taste for despotism, regardless of original intent. The hunger for money and power some folks have is nothing next to the greed of a government bureaucracy. The rest of us, the ones they want to farm like mink, don’t spend enough time worrying over who sits in the seats of power. To us they’re just more hurdles, barriers and speedbumps we have to get by.
To rule us they have to shut down our freedom of movement, shut up our mouths, and shut the infinite expanse of our minds into a box which they define. All so they can bloat on our substance like the parasites they are. When we stop defending our rights to move, think, and speak is when we find ourselves trading one set of parasites after another.”
One last point is that as a government employee I think bureaucracy isn't about greed. Afterall effeciency creates money which sitisfies greed. Bureaucracy is actually an institutional inefficiency designed, in many cases, to provide checks and balances against government abuse. If I'm stealing from taxpayers and such the last thing I really want in this world is the 74 requisition forms filled out in triplicate that prove I took the money...
I didn't mean to call you a parasite; sorry. We DO need SOME speedbumps!
Also it sounds too heavy-handed and fanatical without a character to associate it with. I can accept a rant from a character, but I'd rather meet the character first. If the rant comes from the narrator, I'll pass.
One way to address that is make it a chapter heading and give it a source (as if quoting someone). Or format it as a letter or other form of media, where we soon get to meet the character who is writing/listening to it.
Ender's Game made great use of email. If memory serves me right, it starts with an email, but the email is used to introduce the main character (MC). That made it interesting.
Oh look, something shiny...
[This message has been edited by MrsBrown (edited August 26, 2009).]
I actually like the first version better, especially if used as a header. It sounds bigger. Don't worry about the thirteen exactly. Use the one that best sets the tone for your story.
I actually have a collection of quotes from this guy. Think of someone sort of like Jed on the Beverly Hill Billies. Not so old. Benevolent, self confident, ready to be amused guy who gets sucked into situations not because he wants to but because he's the most competent one standing around. He is a supporting character.
I was going to use them as chapter headings and this longer bit I think will be from his only or first published work entitled: "Us and Them: a Study of Group Dynamics"
Let's see. A couple of his shorter quotes are:
"We need government. We just don't need all that much of it."
and here's one central to a subplot in the book (not a header piece but a little of his dialogue: "When I can’t see a good answer to a problem, even a big one; it generally means it’s time to re-define the problem, not get out a bigger hammer.”
You really liked the first bit better? Twice people saw it as a rant and this guy doesn't rant. He does call it as he sees it. (It's me that rants sometimes!) So I have to decide what to do about that.
Thanks verry much!
A short quote as a chapter heading is fine. Start with a longer prologue of this nature, and you'll lose me.
Now this is more up my short-attention-span alley:
"We need government. We just don't need all that much of it."
That works! Quotable, a quick one-liner, punchy. It adds to the flavor rather than detracting/distracting.
As always, just MHO.
[This message has been edited by MrsBrown (edited August 27, 2009).]
My example:
"I am afraid of a government that treats men like cattle. I'm even more afraid of a rebellion that leaves a cow running the farm."
Just a thought based on the 'simple' pearls of wisdom he uses in your other quotes. And for the record, I think all of those could be chapter headers if the issues in the quotes are addressed within the chapter.
Maybe you can work the ideas into two or three sentences over each of the first few chapters.
It seems to be headed in a good direction. Keep at it!