Hatrack River Writers Workshop: 13 lines

This is topic 13 lines in forum Fragments and Feedback for Books at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by tyro (Member # 8758) on :

Here's the intro, most of it anyways, to the novel I'm been working on at the moment. It's romance, mostly, definitely a character novel in any case. I'm willing to send what I have, or to post more. Would love comments.

You think that I would have remembered the day I first saw him. It was the first day of my life and in many ways the last day too. I know my birthday, when I graduated from high school, even the day I first learned to walk, but no, I can attribute no date to that first sighting, infinitely more important than any of these other events, when heaven knows that it deserves an hour, a minute, and a second at the very least. At the moment it seemed so inconsequential, so ordinary. There were no balloons, no parade, no loud music; nothing to tell me that I had run head first into my destiny. There should have been, but then again maybe there was…at the time I was so blind that I might not have even noticed when my eyes were finally opened. Many people ask me now that it’s all over if I would go back and change anything, I say no.

[This message has been edited by tyro (edited August 21, 2009).]

Posted by genevive42 (Member # 8714) on :

This is a little too rambling and repetitive for me. A little bit of musing at the beginning may be okay but somewhere you should at least start heading towards a point.

I read it again and I can sort of see the point you're heading for but there still seem to be a lot of excess words trying to accomplich that goal. I would recommend tightening it up a bit.

Also, it should be "I had run head first..."

Just my thoughts, hope they help.

Posted by ScardeyDog (Member # 8707) on :

I agree that after the first two sentences it's a bit repetitive. It would be nice to find out who "him" is or a bit more about the narrator at this point.

Also, I would cut the second sentence into two. (I've been reading Lovecraft lately and am getting sick of sentences that are paragraphs long )

Posted by nathanpence (Member # 8757) on :

I agree with the musing/rambling nature of the 13 lines. Honestly they feel like something I've read many times and each of us has probably written. That's not to say your idea isn't original but the pronoun without antecedent mystery delivery is kind of cliche.

On the other hand I disagree with the comment about sentence length entirely. For one, if I had just read Hemingway until my eyes bled should I then say an author should never use a sentence fragment? Words are there to convey emotions and story and everything else we as writers or would-be writers want to give to readers, but so is sentence structure. It's voice. It's tone. It's theme. It's setting. Structure regardless of words can create emphasis and pathos. It can define a character. Use what comes naturally to the character and to you and that I think should keep you honest.

That's not to say you can't tighten up your language or structure but that you shouldn't tighten just to adhere to rules or an arbitrary guideline.

Posted by SavantIdiot (Member # 8590) on :

I am a sucker for a good romance and some of the best are pretty simple things. I mean we are talking about one of the things most central to our own biology, right? Having said that, this is telling us too much too soon about the way the story is going to play out.

She is going to absolutely adore this fellow, he is perfect (why do I keep thinking Twilight?), he is wonderful, he is.... which is fine. Someone in the throes of infatuation can get pretty silly over the object of said infatuation --- but then you let us know that the relationship ends prematurely and it doesn't sound like it ends well. He dies or something. If I am not going to have a happy ending in a romance probably you don't want to tell me that up front.