The following is the first 13 from a story that I began writing about a year ago but had to set aside because of my travel schedule. I've just recently come back to it and am working through it seeing how much I need to rewrite to get back into it. The setting is a fictional reality which closely resembles 16th century Europe. Any thoughts on the first 13 would be appreciated.
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Camillo was grateful that it had rained that morning. The rain carried the castings of the chamber pots and the scat from the beasts of the city into the gutter. It formed a putrid stream there that wend its way through the city until it reached the river where it would become trapped in the tidal backwater, sometimes for weeks, before the current could drag it away. It made the whole city reek.
But Camillo was used to the smell and needed the stream. He dipped a rag into the filth and wiped it along the full length of his drawn sword. Satisfied that the blade was amply covered, he cast the rag aside, wiped his hand on the side of his tunic, and turned to face his accuser. He saw the man finishing the same ritual on the opposite side of the street.
[This message has been edited by Fooglmog (edited August 27, 2009).]
Posted by genevive42 (Member # 8714) on :
Definitely has my interest. I would read on. No great suggestions. I think it's well written.
Posted by MrsBrown (Member # 5195) on :
I remember this! I believe it went through several iterations. The only comment I will give you today is "wended" or "wound".
Posted by nathanpence (Member # 8757) on :
Yeah the only word in there that tripped me up was 'wend' and other than that I think this sounds very good. I would keep reading!
Posted by SavantIdiot (Member # 8590) on :
I would have to keep reading as well. I would want to know why it is a matter of course to soil your blade like that! To carry contagion into a wound which might otherwise not be fatal enough?
Posted by Fooglmog (Member # 7970) on :
So, I've been working on this story for a month now, and I'm still not convinced that I have the opening as engaging as I'd like it. It seems, based on the comments here, that the problem isn't in the first 13. Is there anyone who'd be willing to read the first thousand words and give me their thoughts on that much text?
Posted by MAP (Member # 8631) on :
Hi Fooglmog,
Your first thirteen sounds interesting. I would be willing to read more if you are still looking for readers.
Posted by Lou (Member # 8795) on :
Very interseting, I would gladly read more.
Posted by andersonmcdonald (Member # 8641) on :
Just wanted to say I find this opening intriguing. I like the way you describe the setting without actually describing the setting, if that makes sense. Good writing, and I want to see how this turns out.