quote:
There was a witch at the window.Robby pretended to be asleep but watched her through the slit of one eye. Her tattered clothes floated around her despite the windless night. He could hear their quiet rustling. She examined the window latch through the glass. It was locked. She tested the dry putty, probing its cracks, and soon removed a piece from the bottom exposing the edge of the pane. She inspected the area then gently slid one fingernail into the gap.
Robby and his mother had only moved in three days ago and already he'd been found. He should have drawn the curtains. Mum is going to be furious.
thanks in advance
[This message has been edited by Andrew_McGown (edited September 01, 2009).]
This is my take. First of all, this is very well written. You have a real creepy situation with a witch trying to get into Robby's room, but the tension is diffused by his lack of fear of the witch. I am wondering why he is more afraid of his mother's reaction than the witch at the window. Maybe that is the hook?
My interpretation of this so far is that Robby must be more powerful than the witch, that she poses no real threat to him. He is only annoyed that he has been found. If that is what you want me to think at this point, then I think you have done a great job.
One nit:
quote:I wasn't sure what the pronoun their referred to. I think it was the clothes, but in my first read I thought that it referred to other witches. It could just be me.
He could hear their quiet rustling.
Does this change improve/clarify?:
quote:
There was a witch at the window.Robby pretended to be asleep but watched her through the slit of one eye. Her tattered clothing floated around her despite the windless night. He could hear its quiet rustling. She examined the window latch through the glass. It was locked. She tested the dry putty, probing its cracks, and soon removed a piece from the bottom exposing the edge of the pane. She inspected the area then gently slid one fingernail into the gap.
Robby and his mother had only moved in three days ago and already he'd been found. He should have drawn the curtains. Mum is going to be furious.
Thanks people!
Because he was going to have to take off a witch's head in his bedroom? THE MESS!
Because he was going to have to wake his mum up from a sound sleep?
Because they would have to move again so soon?
Please please please write another Harry Potter.
Again this is less than 13 lines. I would imagine--correct me if I presume--that it you will say it was better to cut it where you did.
It feels a little (only a little, mind) like cheating, IMO--like a scarred model only showing her good side. It's your choice, but it seems artificial.
If you feel that your next few sentences somehow detract from the effect you are trying to achieve with the first few, then I would say you need to work on consistency.
I know of a few people who can write well, but either aren't consistent or are serially incapable of completing stories.
As far as the opening goes, the prose is clean, but there some issues:
1) He can hear quiet rustling through a closed window? Can't be that quiet, then.
2)...She tested the dry putty, probing its cracks, and soon removed a piece from the bottom exposing the edge of the pane.
I can't see that the boy could know that the piece she removed exposed the edge of the window.
I think this is a POV violation. You started the story in a seemingly close third POV--if you'd wanted it to be omniscient, then you should have established that earlier and clearer. It just looks like a mistake to me.
3) He seems a little dumb--he knows he's being pursued, but fails to do the obvious thing ("...draw the curtains before you go to sleep,Timmy, or the witches will find you and eat your liver..."). That is usually symptomatic of a plottting problem--see the turkey city lexicon. It may work in YA, though, and I am no expert.
[This message has been edited by skadder (edited September 13, 2009).]
I have to respectfully disagree with skadder though about your character seeming dumb because he didn't close the curtains. I think that sort of (possible) mistake is pretty typical of a kid. He's a kid, he's not dumb. What kid hasn't forgotten to close the window when the air conditioning is on, or put the toilet seat down when there are women in the house? Kids do that sort of thing.
I like it. I would love to see where it goes.
In that case, I thought the two blank lines should count.
Perhaps I am wrong.
this is what I am referring to:
Why only 13 lines?
[This message has been edited by Andrew_McGown (edited September 14, 2009).]
[This message has been edited by Andrew_McGown (edited September 14, 2009).]
A correctly formatted manuscript wouldn't have those extra blank lines in.
The extra lines are what is called a line break (in a submission) and usually indicates a change of POV or jump in time or locale, etc.
I guess it's possible--but odd [some special effect that eluded me?]--for you to have a line break after the first sentence and then again after only a few more. I would suggest that if this is the case then you should re-think it, because I can't see a good reason for it.
However, I think it more likely that you are confused about proper formatting, and which 13 lines we are referring to. Often when people post on '13 lines' they stick the extra line breaks in to make it more readable on the forum, and those line breaks aren't used as line breaks but are used as paragraph breaks, and so do not count towards the 13 line limit.
Broadly, thirteen lines fills the posting box (on Hatrack) in internet explorer (Firefox is different) without leaving any blank lines. If your post fulfills this, then it is 13 lines. You can then insert any paragraph breaks (extra blank lines) to improve its visual appeal without threat of your posting being cut by KDW.
I know that at least one of your previous submissions was short of 13 lines--I pointed it out at the time--but they now seem to have been mysteriously deleted so I can't measure them anymore...
quote:
I think that sort of (possible) mistake is pretty typical of a kid.
Being pursued by witches isn't the same as having the air-conditioner on--neither is it typical. Still Andrew said he was going for the effect that the child was barely concerned about the witch, and the kid's laissez-faire attitude supports that--so I'll shut up.
[This message has been edited by skadder (edited September 14, 2009).]
Although I found the witch kinda creepy and the kid's relaxed attitude sort of blunts the hook. I found the creepy witch more of a hook than the 'mums gonna be mad' line.
But that's me.
thanks CaptJay76 for the comments.
As it says in the post title, this is an alternate opening.
I may post my favoured one, and see what reaction it gets.
see ya
quote:
The point of a first thirteen is that it is what appears on a half-page -- the first page -- of a novel/book.In that case, I thought the two blank lines should count.
I don't include the blank lines when I count 13 lines.
I liked it a lot.
The first line is powerful in its impact. The message was surprising and its simplicity was deceptive, which caused more of an effect.
I did not have a problem with the sound. Only an old house would have dried and cracked caulking around the panes of glass. That alone indicated sound penetrating potential, not to mention magical possibilities.
The only positive suggestion would be to give a little more clarity in the witch's actual location. I know it says right off that she(?) is at the window, but it is not until the fourth or fifth sentence that we find that she is outside. Is she standing on the ground? Is the window upstairs? Is the witch flying? All points that are probably answered soon, but seeing as how I can't see that yet, I thought I'd mention it.
All in all - I think it does the job well. I'd definitely turn the page. And I'd be glad to read more, if you'd like me to.
Lou