Hatrack River Writers Workshop: Death at the Temple

This is topic Death at the Temple in forum Fragments and Feedback for Books at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

To visit this topic, use this URL:
http://www.hatrack.com/ubb/writers/ultimatebb.php?ubb=get_topic;f=26;t=000726

Posted by debhoag (Member # 5493) on :

IF SHE HAD stopped to think about what she was getting into, architect Callie Stone thought, she would have turned the job down flat.
She looked up at the island as the sleek boat that carried her and half-a-dozen other commuters docked on the weathered pier. Both crew and passengers had hoods pulled up to protect their faces from the lashing rain; Callie suppressed a shiver as the thought crossed her mind that they looked more like ushers of the dead from the river Styx than human workers traveling to an abandoned island. The torrential rains and dark clouds that accompanied it still hovered; everything - trees, straggling shrubs and dilapidated buildings - looked beaten down and hopeless.
Callie wore a rain slicker that had long since given up on keeping out the lashing rain, much less the bone-chilling cold,

Posted by genevive42 (Member # 8714) on :

In the first line, after the character's name, drop 'thought, she' and you've got a better sentence.

Overall the sentence structure is a little jerky. Most of your sentences are, 'here's the action and now here's a bunch of picturesque description'. I think if you can smooth this out you'll really have something.

The bit about the rain slicker bothers me a bit when you mention the cold because slickers really aren't meant for warmth. are they? But hey, I'm from LA so what do I know of slickers?

Not a bad start though. I would keep reading.

Posted by Meredith (Member # 8368) on :

quote:
architect Callie Stone

This is a little bit of info dumping. Minor, but still, probably not how you want to start. I'd probably just use her first name--that's how she thinks of herself. You can fill us in on the other details later.

eg:

The boat was still rocking in the rough surf, worse now that the others had disembarked. A man on shore offered her his hand. Callie took the callused hand to help steady herself.
"Miss Stone?"
"Yes," Callie answered.
"So you're the new architect. We've got some work waiting for you."
Oh, great. Not even a cup of coffee to help her warm up first.

Just an example. No idea where your story is going.

Posted by debhoag (Member # 5493) on :

nice, of both you. Thanks!

Posted by Andrew_McGown (Member # 8732) on :

... i liked it...

Posted by Andrew_McGown (Member # 8732) on :

perhaps:

IF I HAD known what I was getting into, architect Callie Stone thought, I would have turned this job down flat.

but then, I am not sure.

also maybe make the statement that she would have turned the job down, closer to the reason why she would have turned it down. The sleek boat line seems to interfere with the connection and could be moved.

like:

IF SHE HAD stopped to think about what she was getting into, architect Callie Stone thought, she would have turned the job down flat.
She looked up at the ferry's crew and passengers with hoods pulled up to protect their faces from the lashing rain. She suppressed a shiver as the thought crossed her mind that they looked more like ushers of the dead from the river Styx than human workers traveling to an abandoned island.

The sleek boat....

I am not saying that it is right, just that the proximityy helps us put two and two together

andrew

PS would like to read it.

[This message has been edited by Andrew_McGown (edited September 07, 2009).]

Posted by debhoag (Member # 5493) on :

Thanks, Andrew. Gimme a week, and I'll send a chapter your way.

Posted by InarticulateBabbler (Member # 4849) on :

Here's My take:

quote:

IF SHE [HAD<--IMHO - cut] stopped to think about what she was getting into, [architect<--IMHO -cut.] Callie Stone [thought, she<--IMHO -Cut.] [would have turned the job down flat<--I think you can find a stronger way to write this.Plus, this doesn't really tell us anything but she makes it out/back, and she didn't like it. Is there danger?].
She looked up at [the island<--What Island? This might be a chance to get the architectural job in.] as the sleek boat [that carried<--which ferried?] her and half-a-dozen [other<--Redundant.] commuters docked on the weathered pier. [Both crew and passengers had hoods pulled up to protect their faces from the lashing rain<--[I also think you can write this stronger and less passive]; Callie suppressed a shiver as she thought [crossed her mind that<--IMHO - cut] they looked more like ushers of the dead from the river Styx than [human<--IMHO -cut.] [workers<--What kind of workers? Construction? It might explain why they are:] traveling to an abandoned island. [Under bruised clouds, t]he torrential rains [pounded on] [and dark clouds that accompanied it still hovered;<--IMHO - Cut.] everything - beating down trees, strangling shrubs and shrouding dilapidated buildings in hopeless.
Callie wore a rain slicker [that had long since given up on keeping out the [lashing rain<--Redundant, much less the bone-chilling cold,<--You can write this stronger, too.]

Of course, you know me...always meddling.

My wooden-nickle's worth of revisions:
IF SHE STOPPED to think what she was getting into, Callie Stone would have abjured the job.

She looked up at the island she was to design blueprints for, as the sleek boat which ferried her and half-dozen commuters docked on the weathered pier, and saw everyone milling about the sluicing downpour in dingy, cowled slickers. Callie suppressed a shiver as she noted the others seemed more minions of Charon--ushering the dead across the river Styx--than mortal contractors commuting to the abandoned island. Under bruised clouds, the torrential rains pounded on everything, beating down trees, strangling shrubs and shrouding dilapidated buildings in hopelessness.

Callie's rain slicker was poor defense from the lashing rain and bone-chilling cold,

Feel free to tell me to shut up.

[This message has been edited by InarticulateBabbler (edited September 08, 2009).]

Posted by debhoag (Member # 5493) on :

why would I tell you to shut up when it's so good to hear from you?

Posted by WouldBe (Member # 5682) on :

Many good ideas already. I'll try not to retread them.

Architect Callie Stone regretted having accepted the <some kinda> job, now that she knew what she'd stepped into.

Looking 'up' at the island bothered me at first, since a boat is at sea level, but maybe the island has cliffs.

The torrential rains and dark clouds that accompanied it still hovered; [The 'it' is confusing to me. My first take was that 'it' referred to something in the previous paragraph, rather than the intended 'torrential rains'. 'It' doesn't seem to agree with 'torrential rains,' which seems plural. 'It' might sound better with 'torrential rain.'

This sounds like a good start. I hope that some clue about why the island is abandoned comes soon, unless it is unknown and to be discovered.