Hatrack River Writers Workshop: The Shaman's Curse, Edited

This is topic The Shaman's Curse, Edited in forum Fragments and Feedback for Books at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by Meredith (Member # 8368) on :

I've started working through the manuscript using Browne and King's SELF-EDITING FOR FICTION WRITERS.

This is the edited first 13.

A jubilant whoop escaped Vatar’s lips as he cantered away from the herd with the other two boys. Torkaz returned Vatar’s grin, confident, as always, that his plan would work.

Vatar leaned forward, urging his horse to go faster. Torkaz and Fenar recognized the challenge to a race. The three boys galloped across the open grassland, but Vatar did not keep the lead for long. Fenar leaned forward until he lay along his horse’s neck and flew past the other two boys.

“Great idea, Vatar!” Torkaz said when they reined in their horses. “Now we’re almost far enough away from the herd and the herdsmen don’t suspect a thing.”

Vatar didn’t tell his friend that he had just felt like racing for joy. Torkaz rarely complimented anyone on thinking of something he hadn’t,

This is the previous first 13

A joyful whoop escaped Vatar’s lips as he cantered away from the herd with the other two boys. They were going to get away with it! The herdsmen had no reason to suspect their real plans or to try to stop the boys. Now they could explore despite the adults’ attempts to prevent them.

Torkaz returned Vatar’s grin, confident, as always, that his plan would work.

Vatar leaned forward, urging his horse to go faster. Torkaz and Fenar recognized the challenge to a race. The three boys galloped across the open grassland, but Vatar did not keep the lead for long.

Vatar would never be able to outrace his younger brother. Fenar was by far the best horseman of the three.

What do you think? Better?

[This message has been edited by Meredith (edited September 15, 2009).]

Posted by SavantIdiot (Member # 8590) on :

This is the edited first 13.

A jubilant whoop (I like jubilant here over joyful) escaped Vatar’s lips as he cantered away from the herd with the other two boys. Torkaz returned Vatar’s grin, confident, as always, that his plan would work. (Nice)

“Great idea, Vatar!” Torkaz said when they reined in their horses. “Now we’re almost far enough away from the herd and the herdsmen don’t suspect a thing.” (something a little awkward here, starting with Now we're... suggest maybe breaking up the phrase into two discrete sentences?)

Vatar didn’t tell his friend that he had just felt like racing for joy. Torkaz rarely complimented anyone on thinking of something he hadn’t, (I don't like racing for joy. I do like him racing for joy but I think I'd rather Vatar show us what that feels like. And you get the feeling Torkaz isn't real nice from the last sentence fragment.)

This is the previous first 13

Torkaz returned Vatar’s grin, confident, as always, that his plan would work.

Vatar leaned forward, urging his horse to go faster. Torkaz and Fenar recognized the challenge to a race. The three boys galloped across the open grassland, but Vatar did not keep the lead for long.

Vatar would never be able to outrace his younger brother. Fenar was by far the best horseman of the three.

What do you think? Better?

You know what, I like them both about equally. The new maybe a LITTLE better. Otherwise I liked them both pretty well. I got the same feel for what was going on and it was interesting.

Posted by MAP (Member # 8631) on :

I think the revised version is better, but I did like how in the other version the situation is very clear in the first paragraph, that the boys are using a fake race to escape the watchful adults. The other one works too, but it took me a minute to get what was going on when the other version was clear from the get go.

But really they are both good, nice job.

One nit (and this is really picky): "he cantered" should really be his horse cantered. I didn't realize that he was on a horse until the next paragraph. I know that people don't really canter, but you never know what is going on in speculative fiction. Since this is the first sentence, you might want to make it clear.

Posted by Lou (Member # 8795) on :

Hi Meredith,
If you don't mind two cents from a newbe, I have a comment.
I like the second draft. Probably because I am a fan of the set-up and delayed delivery technique. 'The shared plan - the race -and then the reason for it all'. I like it.
One tiny point though. I was confused as to who's plan it was. But all in all, I think it's a good start.

Posted by Architectus (Member # 8809) on :

I like the edited version best.

You use the phrase "leaned forward" twice. You could easily change the second one. Why not just write that he flattened his stomach against the neck of the horse?