Lewis was having the worst of the worst kind of bad dream, so vivid that it MUST be real – only once again he was a ghost; the Invisible Boy submerged in the ugly mess inside someone else’s head. This time he was drowning in his father’s blood-pounding intent and toxic dread as he led Mrs. Scholz into their barn with one sweaty hand clamped onto a perfumed wrist. His father saw her very differently than Lewis ever had. She looked sly and excited and – and sort of all heated up. In the dream it was Sunday morning and everyone else was at church, though Lewis didn’t know how he knew this. His Da locked the barn door with a methodical deliberation without taking his eyes off the lady. She smiled in a dimpling-up sort of way which dried the spit in Lewis’s mouth and pushed his Da past reason.
quote:
Lewis was having the worst of the worst kind of bad dream, so vivid that it MUST be real – only once again he was a ghost; the Invisible Boy submerged in the ugly mess inside someone else’s head. I would cut the ghost and invisible boy part, and just say he was submerged in someone elses mind. The way I see this is he is possessing his father. If this is true than you only need to tell us he is in someone else's mind. The ghost part was unnecessary and a little confusing. This time he was drowning in his father’s blood-pounding intent and toxic dread (I don't get the dread. Is it because of guilt because he is about to commit adultery? Or is he somehow being forced? I think you can make this more clear. as he led Mrs. Scholz into their barn with one sweaty hand clamped onto a perfumed wrist. His father saw her very differently than Lewis ever had. She looked sly and excited and – and sort of all heated up. In the dream (comma) it was Sunday morning and everyone else was at church, though Lewis didn’t know how he knew this. His Da locked the barn door with a methodical deliberation without taking his eyes off the lady. She smiled in a dimpling-up sort of way which dried the spit in Lewis’s mouth (I don't get this. Is Lewis physically there? If so how is he submerged with his dad?) and pushed his Da past reason.
I hope this helps.
I would cut the ghost and invisible boy part, and just say he was submerged in someone elses mind. **wah! I liked that part!** This time he was drowning in his father’s blood-pounding intent and toxic dread (I don't get the dread. Is it because of guilt because he is about to commit adultery? **YEP, exactly**
She smiled in a dimpling-up sort of way which dried the spit in Lewis’s mouth (I don't get this. Is Lewis physically there? If so how is he submerged with his dad?)**you're right, it doesn't work. thanks!**
[This message has been edited by SavantIdiot (edited October 17, 2009).]
But,take this with a huge grain of salt.
[This message has been edited by Lionhunter (edited October 17, 2009).]
[This message has been edited by Lionhunter (edited October 17, 2009).]
Thanks very much for responding. I don't have anyone but you guys to read this stuff so I really appreciate it.
[This message has been edited by Lionhunter (edited October 17, 2009).]
quote:
Lewis was having the worst of the worst kind of bad dream, so vivid that it MUST be real – only once again he was a ghost; the Invisible Boy submerged in the ugly mess inside someone else’s head. This time he was drowning in his father’s blood-pounding intent and toxic dread as he led Mrs. Scholz into their barn with one sweaty hand clamped onto a perfumed wrist. His father saw her very differently than Lewis ever had. She looked sly and excited and – and sort of all heated up. In the dream it was Sunday morning and everyone else was at church, though Lewis didn’t know how he knew this. His Da locked the barn door with a methodical deliberation without taking his eyes off the lady. She smiled in a dimpling-up sort of way which dried the spit in Lewis’s mouth and pushed his Da past reason.
I bolded some of the words and phrases that seemed too mature.