edit to include the PITCH:
A rebellion is brewing in Isyria. The wizards have long controlled the real reins of power, and a growing faction is ready to wrest them fully from the royal family. But not all agree that simply being the wisest in the Republic entitle them to rule. Archaelius, the apprentice of such a wizard, knows nothing of this. He merely wants to know where Kara, the mysterious woman is he rescued from execution, came from. When he learns a new way to manipulate the forces of magic, he inadvertently hands the rebellion their greatest weapon, and risks losing everything of value to him: his master, his profession, and even his view of the world. But after a failed assassination attempt, he finds nothing compares to his fear of losing Kara, who seems to be increasingly central to the oncoming war...
This is a very first draft. I'd appreciate knowing how it comes across. Thanks!
[This message has been edited by Teraen (edited October 21, 2009).]
[This message has been edited by Teraen (edited October 21, 2009).]
[This message has been edited by Teraen (edited October 21, 2009).]
Here are some nits.
quote:
Archaelius heard a Whispering. At least, he thought he did. He still wasn’t as proficient at following the directions of his ancestors as his Master, which, of course, was one of the reasons why he was the one carrying most of their supplies across his back. This second sentence is too long. I suggest splitting it. Such was the lot of the apprentice, although Archaelius hadn’t quite caught on (The part in italics was a little wordy, maybe change it to 'didn't know'?) how it was supposed to help him learn magics. Ahead of him, Master Triarius strode forward, oblivious to the subtle prompting – if indeed that is what it had been.
“Master, I think we need to stop.”
Triarius (wouldn't the POV character give his master a title even in thought?) didn’t even break his stride. “We stopped less than an hour ago. If we keep stopping, you can forget about attending the council, they’ll all be dead of old age by the time we arrive. I’ll be dead of old age, too, come to think of it.”
[This message has been edited by MAP (edited October 15, 2009).]
A rebellion is brewing in Isyria. The wizards have long controlled the real reins of power, and a growing faction is ready to wrest them fully from the royal family. **okay, I think I see. MOST of the reins of power are in wizardish hands already but some vestige remains in the hands of royalty? This is problematic for me. If the only power royalty has left is window dressing, do we care if it is stripped away? Who is paying taxes to support these royal parasites? Off with their heads!** But not all agree that simply being the wisest in the Republic entitle them to rule. **okay, being a wizard necessarily means being the wisest? If this is true, how could anyone possibly object? Off with those royal heads!** Archaelius, the apprentice of such a wizard, knows nothing of this. He merely wants to know where Kara, the mysterious woman is **(whom)** he rescued from execution, came from.**<==just a little awkward.** When he learns a new way to manipulate the forces of magic, he inadvertently hands the rebellion **sorry, the rebellion is the faction supporting the wizards getting the rest of the power from the royals? or the royals fighting back agaist the ones who already took the rest of it?** their greatest weapon, and risks losing everything of value to him: his master, his profession, and even his view of the world. But after a failed assassination attempt, he finds **(that)** nothing compares to his fear of losing Kara, who seems to be increasingly central to the oncoming war...
You know, I made these notes in the pitch without any real notion as to what a pitch is. Now I am thinking this is your proposal or query or something and can't be made much larger? If so, sorry!! If it has to be very brief it was probably fine as it was.
UPDATE:
Archaelius heard a Whispering. At least, he thought he did. He still wasn’t as proficient at following the directions of his ancestors as his Master. Of course, that was one of the reasons why he was the one carrying most of their supplies across his back. Such was the lot of the apprentice, though Archaelius still didn't believe such menial labors would to help him learn magics. Ahead of him, Master Triarius strode forward, oblivious to the subtle prompting – if indeed that is what it had been.
“Master, I think we need to stop.”
Triarius didn’t even break his stride. “We stopped less than an hour ago. If we keep stopping, you can forget about attending the council, they’ll all be dead of old age by the time we arrive. I’ll be dead of old age, too, come to think of it.”
Pitch (Yes, this is the short one-paragraph version I hope to include in a query...)
A rebellion is brewing in Isyria. The wizards have long desired the real reins of power, and a growing faction is ready to wrest them fully from the royal family. But not all agree that a mere position in the brotherhood entitle one to rule over the less fortunate. Archaelius, the apprentice of such a skeptic, knows nothing of this. But when he learns a new way to manipulate the forces of magic, he inadvertently hands the rebels their most powerful weapon, and risks losing everything of value to him: his master, his profession, and even his own life. After a failed assassination attempt, he finds that nothing compares to his fear of losing Kara, the mysterious woman who seems to be increasingly central to the oncoming war...
I edited this to emphasize the main character arch of Archaelius without having to delve so much into the political intrigues, which seems to distract from the previous version.
Nice intro. My only thoughts are with the sentence -
"He still wasn’t as proficient at following the directions of his ancestors as his Master"
I stumbled a little in the reading and probably would have preferred something simple and specific like "the ancient spells" or "runes", whichever works for the story.
Also, beginning the sentence with something like "As his master repeatedly pointed out..." Would begin to establish an interesting relationship between the two characters that I would like to learn more about.