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Three loud bangs on the glass window pane woke Logifer in a drowsy, confusing haze. He turned to his left, only to be greeted by the smell of decomposing bodies, the small pitter patter of little mice and the humming of flies chewing away at the piles of flesh.
“Logifer!” A voice desperately hissed. “You there?”
Logifer attempted to rise from his bed, though still sore from leaning awkwardly on the half-packed suitcase as a sharp pain shot through his thin spine. Logifer’s right hand still grasped The Deniker Sword, still thirsty for blood, as Logifer slowly used the sword to regain his balance to keep from falling from the shallow couch. Logifer’s chance to escape unknowingly passed him – and now the harsh reality began to sink in – he would finally need to answer for his crimes.
[This message has been edited by valjean03 (edited October 16, 2009).]
This might be a very interesting story; I really want to know why he is packing a suitcase with decomposing flesh! Or sleeping with them in his room!
I think maybe there are too many things being introduced at once. My mind was jumping around all over the place.
The image I am left with is revolting! Which is great and I think the point! Sleeping with corpses in the room! Cool!
I think that the problem was that I kept getting drawn away from that when I didn't want to be - until I got it explained. I am not so sophisticated that I can be distracted away from a bedroom full of sticky gobbets of ripe flesh - and this guy is thinking of his sword by name (and base desires) and his thin spine and his shallow couch and...
This is just my 2 cents, you understand. I am writing like mad myself but I am critiqing as a reader, not as a writer. If that makes any sense.
If you don't mind that level of experience, I would be happy to look at your first chapter. Maybe we could swap!
You use his name a lot. Could you name him the first time and then just refer to him as "he"? Since he's the only living person in the room it should be clear who you're talking about.
I agree about the "small pitter patter of little mice". Pitter patter suggests small, and mice generally are.
In the last paragraph you use "still" three times. Is there another way to phrase that? In that same paragraph you say his chance to escape unkowingly passed him, which I think is a POV violation. Maybe make the part about the sword a separate sentence so it is more clear.
The corpses sound pretty gross, I'm curious to find out why he is sleeping in the same room as them (and apparently at the scene of the crime). Does he pass out after losing control of his bloodthirsty sword? Good hook, just needs a little polish.
A couple things stood out for me:
You use his name a lot. Could you name him the first time and then just refer to him as "he"? Since he's the only living person in the room it should be clear who you're talking about.
I agree about the "small pitter patter of little mice". Pitter patter suggests small, and mice generally are.
In the last paragraph you use "still" three times. Is there another way to phrase that? In that same paragraph you say his chance to escape unkowingly passed him, which I think is a POV violation. Maybe make the part about the sword a separate sentence so it is more clear.
The corpses sound pretty gross, I'm curious to find out why he is sleeping in the same room as them (and apparently at the scene of the crime). Does he pass out after losing control of his bloodthirsty sword? Good hook, just needs a little polish.
This is an interesting start. Here is my take.
quote:
Three loud bangs on the glass window pane woke Logifer in a drowsy, confusing haze. He turned to his left, only to be greeted by the smell of decomposing bodies (your missing a characterization moment by saying it smelled like decomposing bodies. How does decomcosing bodies smell to Logifer, is it sickening, is it barely noticable because he is used to it, does he like it? Right now I don't know anything about him or how he got here. Give us a hint.) the small pitter patter of little mice (Cut small and little it is redundant since mice are small, also I don't like pitter patter in my experience with mice it is more of a scuttle sound (pitter patter makes me think of kids. and the humming of flies chewing away at the piles of flesh. cut the chewing away at piles of flesh part, he doesn't hear the flies chewing, right? Unless they are huge flies.“Logifer!” A voice desperately hissed. “You there?”
Logifer attempted to rise from his bed, though still (cut though still, it adds nothing.) sore from leaning awkwardly on the half-packed suitcase as (cut as and start a new sentence.) a sharp pain shot through his thin spine. Logifer’s right hand still grasped The Deniker Sword, still thirsty for blood (This makes me think the sword has awareness. Is that what you intended?), as Logifer slowly used the sword to regain his balance to keep from falling from the shallow couch. Logifer’s chance to escape unknowingly passed him – and now the harsh reality began to sink in – he would finally need to answer for his crimes.
Really good hook at the end. This sounds very interesting.
I hope this helped.
quote:
(This makes me think the sword has awareness. Is that what you intended?)
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OMG I CAN DIE HAPPY! Awareness might be the wrong word, but to have someone spot on interpret what I want them to interpret feels really really really really good right now. This once sentence lightened up my day! Thanks for the feedback, I am working very hard on polishing the first chapter, so your feedback is invaluable.
If you want someone to read through your first chapter, I would be happy to do it. I am curious as to know why Logifer woke up in a room full of dead bodies.