Hatrack River Writers Workshop: SF need help on 13 before Halloween

This is topic SF need help on 13 before Halloween in forum Fragments and Feedback for Books at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by Architectus (Member # 8809) on :

I am entering the contest here by Bent Tree, and I don't know what first 13 to go with. Here they both are. Which do you think? The first shows a lot of personality; the second dives right into the setting and hints at what will go wrong.

When Steve pressed a button on his wristwatch, which was fused into his wrist, Sandy spoke as if in his mind.

"Heart rate, a steady sixty beats per minute. Cholesterol levels . . . acceptable. You really need to stop the fast food."

He spoke in his mind, "But it tastes so good."

"Human may taste like pumpkin pie, but I'd never know because I'd never eat the filthy things," Sandy said.

"Ah, thanks for caring."

"You didn't program me to care, Steve. And you completely missed the reference."

"It's against the law, and, I got the movie reference, by the way."

"Sure you did, hun."

second

Steve Salvador, stepped off the flycar taxi and onto the shiny, white walkway, where service bots that looked like naked manikins and people dressed in business suits walked to their destinations. To his left, flycar traffic steadily moved on white holographic roads that were almost transparent. To his right C-class bot 1001 climbed a metal building like Spiderman. It began cleaning a long window. He had a strange feeling that something was off with 1001, but it seemed to be functioning properly. When Steve pressed a button on his wristwatch, which was fused into his wrist, Sandy spoke as if in his mind.

"You really need to stop turning me off like that."

"Sorry, Sandy," he said in his mind. "I need you to check the status of C-class bot ten "O" one. Is it supposed to be

Posted by valjean03 (Member # 7890) on :

Hmmm... I like the second one where you didn't have the dialogue better, but then agian, the dialogue had an active voice, which is what I like about it. The problem with the dialogue, however, was that I found it to be too ordinary - it is something that you'd hear every day without trying. My impression of the first try was that "huh, I heard that conversation when I took the train today..."

This is good and bad.

It's good because I can relate to the dialogue and see what's going on in my mind.

It's bad because I am thinking about my day, and not what's going on in the story. The second try is a very involved, push me in the moment kind of story, so I prefer the second one, though the dialogue could be appreciated, if you can find a way to make it interesting enough. Just my opinion.

Posted by Kitti (Member # 7277) on :

I like the second a lot better. The first one has no scenery/context for me to put anything into so I feel adrift. The second one reels me into the novel more because I can visualize where he is and what he's doing.

Posted by Architectus (Member # 8809) on :

Thanks, I will go with the second.