Hatrack River Writers Workshop: We're In This Together

This is topic We're In This Together in forum Fragments and Feedback for Books at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by Gan (Member # 8405) on :

Whew, it's been a while

This is something I've been working on recently. I'm trying to get the beginning to feel right. What are your thoughts?

I've recently been varying my writing up quite a bit. Trying to get some practice with different tenses, and perspective. Therefore, if it isn't of decent quality, I apologize.

Version 1

I watch the white-haired man at the pedestal. He's crying. But the people at these things are always crying. Grown men and women, transformed by the bottle, and too broken to find their way back again.

"My wife, she... She took the kids and left," the white-haired man says, "Told me I'd never see em' again... And all I can think about is where I'll get the money for my next drink."

This man won't do. None of these people will do.

I picture my father up on the pedestal, flask in hand, my mother in the crowd. What would he have said? Why would she have listened?

Posted by Jeff (Member # 8854) on :

I watch the white-haired man at the pedestal. He's crying. But the people at these things are always crying. Grown men and women, transformed by the bottle, and too broken to find their way back again.

(The paragraph above jumps around a little too much for me. It's good as far as the descriptions go but it talks about the old man, then to other people, then in the next paragraph it goes back to the old man. I also get the impression that this is a church or somewhere that people go to atone for their sins.)

"My wife, she... She took the kids and left," the white-haired man says, "Told me I'd never see em' again... And all I can think about is where I'll get the money for my next drink."

(We are back to the old man again, but who is he talking to? Is he talking to the main character or himself? Is the dialog overheard or direct? I can also tell that he is distressed and could use some showing at this point to re-enforce that feeling of distress.)

This man won't do. None of these people will do.

(I like it, to me the verbage is perfect. I’m not sure what it means yet and it makes me want to read more. Is the MC thinking this? Maybe some italics or a "he thought" dialog tag.)

I picture my father up on the pedestal, flask in hand, my mother in the crowd. What would he have said? Why would she have listened?

(I get lost here, I understand the emotions the story is trying to convey with the flashback but where I was hooked before my attention starts to wane here. I'm looking for more descriptions of why these people just won't do.)

Overall I'm interested by the "won't do" comment the mysterious MC who to me seems to be lurking, but I can't say I'm totally hooked yet. I think some more focus on just one or two subjects in the first 13 would go a long way to holding my attention. Right now it seems a little busy to me.

Hope this helps,

Jeff

Posted by SavantIdiot (Member # 8590) on :

I watch the white-haired man at the pedestal. He's crying. But the people at these things are always crying. Grown men and women, transformed by the bottle, and too broken to find their way back again.**<==picking only. I think you can lose "But the" without losing anything. The next sentence talks about people transformed who can't their way back again. It's mild but these two things don't quite agree for me. Picky, though, I breezed past it all right. You might think of 'lost' or similar to match up with 'can't find their way back' instead of 'transform' or if you like 'transform', something other than 'find their way back'. **

"My wife, she... She took the kids and left," the white-haired man says, "Told me I'd never see em' again... And all I can think about is where I'll get the money for my next drink."

This man won't do. None of these people will do.**<==the hook.**

I picture my father up on the pedestal, flask in hand, my mother in the crowd. What would he have said? Why would she have listened?

I like it. I would definitely keep reading.

Posted by insectica411 (Member # 8862) on :

Jumped around a bit for me as well. I wasn't sure where I was or who the old man was talking to. The first paragraph was hard to read. I think if you said. "I watched the white-haired man crying at the pedestal." It would flow better into the next sentence.