Mark Henderson is a legendary explorer and self-taugh adventurer, who travels the world exploring ancient ruins, searching for lost treasures, and chasing some of the most unbelievable conspiracy theories there are. His journeys take him to places that ordinary, extraordinary, and beyond the imagination.

Ok folks, here's the first few lines. I don't have alot of experience yet so bear with me.

Mark Henderson sat at his desk, studying over the various documents strewn about. He knew the lost hall of records was buried somewhere under the sands of Egypt. In all his years of searching, he could never pinpoint it’s exact location but he knew it was out there, and most likely buried on the Giza plateau. The ancient Greek philosophers spoke of its existence and modern-day prophets, like Edgar Cayce, predicted it would be rediscovered around the beginning of the new millennium.
Even though the Egyptian government said they found no evidence to suggest the existence of such a library, under the Giza pyramids, it maintained strict control over who was allowed to excavate and where they could dig. For that reason, many areas remained untouched, which suggested, to Henderson, that

[This message has been edited by Raider (edited November 12, 2009).]

[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited November 12, 2009).]
 

Novel openings work very different from short stories (IMHO) as novel hooks are often the cover and back page blurb, or for an agent/editor the symopsis, so I tend to think they are less "important" than a short story first 13.

This reads to me as competent enough, but it lacks a spark, and the setting is faintly confusing - new millennium makes me think it's current, butler generally does not (I know there are people with butlers still around these days, but it feels out of place without knowing anything about the MC). Additionally, you are trying to cram a lot of backstory/background in, which arguably you do not need in a novel opening - your back cover copy/synopsis will do that so the first 13 doesn't have to (the cover copy might be "Determined to find the fabled lost hall of records in the Egyptian sands, Mark Henderson uncovers ancient clues that lead him into an adventure where..." etc etc).
 

And yes, I realize this topic is in the wrong category, that was my mistake. I need to contact the administrator and have it moved.

[This message has been edited by Raider (edited November 12, 2009).]
 

I'm not great on first thirteens. That said, I think I would start off with just his first name. If we're in his POV he probably doesn't think of himself by his full name. Let the Butler call him Mr. Henderson.

And I second the previous opinion. I want to know a little more about the character before I care about what he's doing.

Also, this is a very passive beginning. I don't believe everything has to start in media res, especially in novels. But sitting at a desk isn't very exciting. We've all done that. Most of us read novels to enter the worlds of people who do things we can't or haven't done.

Maybe he paces while he's trying to think? Or maybe your story starts with his excitement when he gets a new piece of information to fit into the puzzle.
 

Mark made his way down the dark, dusty corridor with his flashlight illuminating the way. Dust and cobwebs were everywhere; it looked as if nobody had been down these halls in centuries. With the light in one hand, and a gun in the other, he proceeded cautiously, not knowing what could be lurking around the next corner.
Mark reached the end of the hall and found himself in a large room.
Once again, the room was very dark and his flashlight only lit the area a few feet in front of him. However, he could now see light shining through a small opening in the ceiling, at the end of the chamber. He thought to himself, “That’s strange; how can there be light this deep underground?” The spot of light illuminated what appeared to be an altar.

[This message has been edited by Raider (edited November 12, 2009).]

[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited November 13, 2009).]
 

I'm fairly new to writing myself, so take my comments with a grain of salt.

"Mark made his way down the dark, dusty corridor with his flashlight illuminating the way. Dust and cobwebs were everywhere; it looked as if nobody had been down these halls in centuries. "

You mention dust in both these sentences, which you don't need to do. Maybe cut it from the first one.

"With the light in one hand, and a gun in the other, he proceeded cautiously, not knowing what could be lurking around the next corner."

Here you tell us he is holding things, but you don't really describe them, or how he feels about them. Maybe you could have something creak and he could spin and point the light and gun in that direction (or something, just off the top of my head). That would let us know he is holding both and that he is nervous.

"Mark reached the end of the hall and found himself in a large room."

Again, I would like more description of what he sees.

"He thought to himself, “That’s strange;..."

This part is tricky for me to define, as I don't have the vocab. Dialogue tags like "he tought to himself" seem old fashioned to me. Some writers put thoughts in italics to differentiate them from narration. Some writers use "Free indirect discourse" which someone else here will have to explain, since I can't remember.

Hope that helps!
 

I got told the same thing when I tried it with Dreamer's Rose.

Can you show him a little earlier or a little later in the story getting a key piece of information? Or the moment when the pieces come together and he has an idea where his goal is located? I don't subscribe to the idea that you have to have something really exciting right off. But you do have to show the character involved in something interesting enough to draw the reader in. And, because it's a novel, not a short story, your original opening might have been just fine if that moment of interest was coming right up.
 

As for the story, I like your second try better. I agree with everything what Scardey Dog said. I.E. Ditto.

Good luck and welcome!
~Sheena

 

“The key has to be here somewhere,” Mark thought to himself as he made his way through temple’s vast halls. It had been a long and frustrating night and the only lead he had to go on was an old black and white photo of a group of explorers, who had been to this place in the 1970’s. This temple was rumored to contain a map, leading to the fabled lost library of Egypt. But there was something else he was looking for.
Mark reached the end of the hall and found himself back at the Osiris chamber, where he had started. Yet another walk throughout the complex had turned up no sign of the missing artifact
The Osiris room was rectangular shaped with decorated columns at both ends and a large open area in the middle. On the ceiling, a beautiful mosaic of the constellations was engraved.

[This message has been edited by Raider (edited December 01, 2009).]