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You must understand, it was never my intention to kill Esteban Carrillo. It was an accident; nothing more. It was a hot day, and my hands were slick with sweat, and the gnomon was heavy.
I heard Maistre Pointcaré shout – a warning, perhaps – even as I flailed helplessly. The scaffold under my feet swayed alarmingly and, had I not managed to get one of the ropes hooked around my arm, I would have followed the gnomon down, all hundred and twenty spans to the piazza below.
The piazza, and Esteban.
It was, I think, quick, which I have been told is a mercy. The gnomon was five spans long, and made of cast iron, and weighed perhaps thirty or forty livres.
A couple quibbles. You use "It was..." three times in the first paragraph. I would look at rephrasing that somehow. The first two don't bother me. They have a nice sense of repetition. But the third time feels awkward.
Also, using the word gnomon without any type of contextual clues is a little distracting. It's an obscure word, and I'm left wondering what the word means. I looked it up, and learned a new word, which is cool, but perhaps you may not want to send the reader to the dictionary in the first paragraph. I guess what I'm saying is that if you provided context or used a word most readers would understand you would be more likely to evoke an image.
Good luck.
As far as commenting on the narrative voice. Not to take away from your style, because I actually like this as it mostly reads, but starting with "You must..." implies the second person and not the first person. Perhaps starting with "Understand, it was never my intention..." would leave the "you" part unseen and therefore unnoticed by the reader, only understood.
Just my take.
And i agree,change the word gnomon... i was like wtf is that,but kept reading nonetheless, figured it was something big, but still... change it.
[This message has been edited by Lionhunter (edited December 25, 2009).]
Please take no offense at my example, but I don't know how else to articulate:
I didn't mean to kill Esteban Carrillo with a giant second hand. It was an accident. My hands were sweat-slick from a long day under the hot sun, and the cast iron pointer was awkward enough to hold. Maistre Pointcaré's shouting, unclear over my knocking heart, jangled my nerves as the rickety scaffolding swayed under my feet. Only hooking my arms around a pulley rope saved me from plumeting behind the spear-tipped tongue of iron toward the distant piazza below--and Esteban. I pray that the poor b@stard's end was quick, and for my own absolution.
I hope this helps some.
[This message has been edited by InarticulateBabbler (edited December 26, 2009).]
[This message has been edited by InarticulateBabbler (edited December 27, 2009).]
I have no problem with the term gnomon as long as that is what te MC would call it. I would like a better picture of what is going on, maybe some reference to him fixing a clock. That might help those who don't know what a gnomon is, which I think is most people including me.
quote:
You must understand, it was never my intention to kill Esteban Carrillo. It was an accident;(use comma instead of semicolon) nothing more.
My only nit. Good luck with this, sounds interesting.