The old Soulcaster stood on the forest edge waiting for the tiny hamlet’s lights to fade. He stepped out of his sandals and kneaded the damp grass and soil with his toes. Through the soles of his arthritic feet he could feel the life charge of each blade of grass. The roots formed a living web for hundreds of yards, binding with the roots of nearby bushes and trees.
With a thought he grasped tightly to the web and began to pull. The grass beneath his feet withered and died. Life energy coursed up his legs spreading through his aching body releaving him of pain, revitilizing him. A ring of decay spilled outward devouring more of the underbrush, reaching for the closest trees. The Soulcaster flexed, testing the strength of his youthful body, smiled maliciously and walked toward the hamlet.
[This message has been edited by trailmix (edited December 26, 2009).]
[This message has been edited by Ennis (edited December 27, 2009).]
I don't like the "malicious" smile, particularly, it makes him feel like a pantomime villain - we've seen him heal himself, but we haven't had any real internal thoughts beyond the process he uses. Does HE think of his smile as malicious? It makes the POV a touch unclear.
And finally, relieving and revitalizing are both misspelled.
The old Soulcaster stood on the forest edge waiting for the tiny hamlet’s lights to fade. He stepped out of his sandals and kneaded the damp grass and soil with his toes. Through the soles of his arthritic feet he could feel the life charge of each blade of grass. The roots formed a living web for hundreds of yards, binding with the roots of nearby bushes and trees.
With a thought he grasped tightly to the web and began to pull. The grass beneath his feet withered and died. Life energy coursed up his legs spreading through his aching body relieving him of pain, revitalizing him. A ring of decay spilled outward devouring more of the underbrush, reaching for the closest trees and consuming them as well. The Soulcaster flexed, testing the strength of his youthful body. With a satisfied grin he walked toward the hamlet.
[This message has been edited by trailmix (edited December 27, 2009).]
The once immortal god Venaroc stood on the forest edge waiting for the tiny hamlet’s lights to fade. He stepped out of his sandals and kneaded the damp grass and soil with his toes. Through the soles of his arthritic feet he could feel the life charge of each blade of grass. The roots formed a living web for hundreds of yards, binding with the roots of nearby bushes and trees. With a thought he grasped tightly to the web and began to pull.
The grass beneath his feet withered and died. A ring of decay spilled outward devouring the underbrush, reaching for the closest trees and consuming them as well. As death poured outward, life energy coursed up his legs and distended to fill the vacancy. He could feel the skin of his face tighten and the
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited December 29, 2009).]
The third draft makes it very clear what exactly he intends to do and who he is. I love the clarity, because it adds to the emotion and tension. I'd read on to find out if he would succeed and what would come of it. It sets the stage for a good conflict.
This version is much clearer (arguably too clear...) in telling us who the POV character is and what he wants to do and why. I am puzzled, again, though; if he can rejuvenate himself so easily, why would he have allowed himself to become old and arthritic in the first place?
I think that if it were a short story the quick reveal might be more appropriate but I agree that this may be too much too quick.
[This message has been edited by trailmix (edited January 01, 2010).]