This is topic Either a short story or prologue for MARK in forum Fragments and Feedback for Books at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.


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Posted by SavantIdiot (Member # 8590) on :
 
It started as a prologue for Mark, anyway. I still think it's the background for his story. I could also use readers for this one; it's maybe 4300 words. Anyway, the first thirteen lines:

Her name was Patricia and she was fifteen years old. She was a nice Irish girl due to be Irish stew any day now. She looked furtively around. What was she even doing here? Three days ago she’d been surrounded by Frenchmen with a few wives and children, not a one of whom spoke Irish or English either one. She had hated it. She had been lonely for the society of females. Females who were not old married women and not her little sisters, either! Da had started listening to offers for her from two of the Frenchmen; Jean-Philippe and Jean-Eudes. She hadn’t been able to understand a word that came out of them; not even when they believed they were speaking English. She had gone off to get away from her little sisters and the two Jeans and her father who she blamed for everything. She had needed a
 


Posted by andersonmcdonald (Member # 8641) on :
 
"She was a nice Irish girl due to be Irish stew any day now."

Loved this. Nice opening at the beginning, but for me it seems you've crammed too much info in the first thirteen. I felt most of this should be sprinkled throughout later paragraphs. As it is, the info seems to confuse rather than inform. IMHO, and this is just MHO, I'd like to see the MC interact with her surroundings.

"She looked furtively around. What was she even doing here?"

Where is "here"? (We don't know.)
What does she see when she looks furtively around? (You don't tell us.)
As it reads now, I'm a little confused about her plight, being overloaded with snippets of info that have no context.

But take this for what it is - an opinion
 


Posted by SavantIdiot (Member # 8590) on :
 
It's pertinent. I'm working on other stuff and forgot to give you enough detail at the start! I'll take another look at it in the morning.
 
Posted by Emily Palmer (Member # 8877) on :
 
I do not like the tense. You start off with her looking around furtively and wondering what she's doing "here," which is very vague as previously mentioned.

Then you go into a flashback scene. This makes no sense because there's no present to look back from. Perhaps that is the actual beginning of the story, in which case you could start there.
 




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