Hatrack River Writers Workshop: Fantasy: Illusions of the Nalokine, Prologue

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Posted by Nagrom (Member # 8968) on :

The first 13 lines of my prologue. The draft of the novel is currently at 142,000 words.

Second Revision

His First Wife, the Matriarch, opened her eyes and looked at him. She was shaking, and he took her hand, sending a calming influence. "I had a true seeing," she told him, her voice barely louder than a whisper. "It is significant, I think."

"I thought as much. You froze up as we walked. Should I gather the Council?"

She shook her head. "Not yet. I would have your thoughts on it first." The Matriarch concentrated, and her First Husband found himself standing next to her on the banks of the Great River. He never ceased to marvel at the completeness of his First Wife’s illusions; he could even see and hear birds flying overhead.

"Our Family settled here many generations past," began the Matriarch, "and influenced other people to gather and build...."

First Revision

The Matriarch opened her eyes and saw her First Husband staring at her with concern, still holding her hand. She was shaking, and she felt him send a calming influence. “I had a true seeing,” she told him, her voice barely louder than a whisper. “A tragedy approaches.”
“I thought it was another vision. You froze up as we walked. Should I gather the Council?”
She shook her head. “Not yet. I would have your thoughts on it first.” She concentrated, and the two of them appeared alone on the banks of the Great River in an illusory world, their physical bodies left behind. Her husband looked up at the birds flying overhead and shook his head. He was right—an unnecessary embellishment, but modesty was not her strength.

Original Passage

The Matriarch opened her eyes and looked at her First Husband. She was shaking, and he took her hand, sending a calming influence. “I had a true seeing,” she told him, her voice barely louder than a whisper. “A major one.”
“Should I gather the Council?” he asked.
She shook her head. “Not yet. I would have your thoughts on it first.” The Matriarch concentrated, and the two of them found themselves on the banks of the Great River. Her First Husband never ceased to marvel at the completeness of his First Wife’s illusions; he could even see and hear birds flying overhead. To anyone that saw their physical bodies, they would seem to be in a trance, and they could talk in the illusory world with nothing but the river’s current to distract them.

[This message has been edited by Nagrom (edited January 15, 2010).]

[This message has been edited by Nagrom (edited January 18, 2010).]

Posted by JSchuler (Member # 8970) on :

Not bad. So we have a matriarchal society that practices group marriage, at least in its higher social strata. The Matriarch seems sensitive to some form of prophecy or divination, and can create a kind of psychic link.

I'm having a problem with POV. The first sentence seems to be from the Matriarch's POV, while the last is from the First Husband's, and I don't see a need for the split.

In the first sentence, I'd like something to give me more context about why the First Husband is there to immediately grab her hand. Was he waiting there, concerned, as she lay in bed? Or were they at a party when she was overtaken by a vision? It doesn't need to be completely described, but as it is the image is falling flat with me.

The only other problem I'm running into is "a major one." The word "major" doesn't quite fit with the Matriarch's vocabulary. Maybe "an important one" (which still sounds horribly uninspired).

Posted by Devnal (Member # 6724) on :

I echo Schuler's comments, except for the POV, I think your okay.

I agree "major" seems out of place. The rest of your dialogue runs so smoothly that this just jumps out.

one last thing. I would lose the last sentence. Its not moving the story forward and it isnt important to anything that will happen. Unless someone is killed or something while in this trance, but then you can explain the trance state at that time. Your story moves at such a nice pace, then we go to this new place and the pace slows down, and by the end its come to a crawl.

Posted by Emily Palmer (Member # 8877) on :

Why are "Matriarch," "First Husband," and "First Wife" capitalized?

The lack of names makes the story feel more distant than it would if actual names were used.

And whose head are we in, if anyone's?

But the premise of what I see is interesting.

Posted by Nagrom (Member # 8968) on :

Thanks for the feedback! I've tried to incorporate it in the posted first revision and think I've addressed point of view concerns.

I agree with Emily that the lack of names makes it feel more distant, but I want that distant feeling for the prologue since it occurs many centuries prior to the main story.

Posted by Devnal (Member # 6724) on :

I still think your POV was fine in the original (maybe just some cleaning up to make it stronger) and i liked having the First Husband's POV over the Matriach's.

Posted by Nagrom (Member # 8968) on :

I think you're right, Devnal. It's much more natural to see the Matriarch's vision unfold from the First Husband's point of view since it's new to him. I posted a second revision.