The mage looked at John Black with shrewd eyes. “It's a good thing you've got some magic in you, apprentice. You'll never grow enough muscle to be a warrior.” Feeling insulted, John raised one arm and flexed his bicep , then decided his new master was right. Shrugging, he shoveled in another forkful of eggs and grinned at the man who had promised to teach him everything there was to know about magic. John had always been small for his age, but that had never stopped his mouth from going. The combination of smart-aleck attitude and skinny frame had made him the perfect target for Krag, the village bully. It was never enough for Krag to just torture him. He always had to force John to admit that it was all his own fault. “You
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited January 22, 2010).]
Posted by Dropbear (Member # 8819) on :
I'm one of those old fashioed readers that get's confused when the protagonist is not the first character introduced. It threw me enough that I struggled reading the rest of the 13 and couldn't get myself orientated.
I'm guessing that John Black is the pro, but "The mage" was introduced first (admittedly only a few words first, but still first). Maybe reversing the sentence: "John Black saw the mage looking at his with shrewd eyes."
Posted by D2 (Member # 8930) on :
I think you should start with the bit about the bully. If you introduce John as the scrawny kid who gets bullied, it makes a little more sense for the mage and his teachings to be explained afterward. I'm not hooked enough by the instructor himself to get over being tripped up by the timeline mess here.
That would also solve dropbear's problem, I think, which isn't something I myself got tripped up by but I could definitely see it being a problem.
Posted by debhoag (Member # 5493) on :
How's this?
John Black had always been small for his age, but that had never stopped his mouth from going. The combination of smart-aleck attitude and skinny frame had made him the perfect target for Krag, the village bully. It was never enough for Krag to just torture him. He always had to force John to admit that it was all his own fault. “You bring it on yourself, Black,” he'd say with a heavy sigh, as he dangled John over the village well, or got ready to toss him into the stinky pigs' pen. “If you'd keep your mouth shut and learn some respect, I wouldn't have to do this to you, now, would I?” “And if you weren't a tin-headed troll with ears the size of dinner plates, I wouldn't be forced to make fun of you. We both
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited January 22, 2010).]
Posted by Emily Palmer (Member # 8877) on :
The second opening is better, but a specific scene might work even better. Decide whether the bully's dangling him over the well or shoving him into the pig pen. Right now it's telling. Showing is more gripping.
You might show the bully coming up, show the main character being a little smart alec -- which you start to do near the end, which is when I first started to think I might like this character.
Posted by debhoag (Member # 5493) on :
thanks, Emily!
Posted by debhoag (Member # 5493) on :
The bully held John Black by the collar of his tunic, dangling him over the village well. “You bring it on yourself, Black,” he said with a heavy sigh “If you'd keep your mouth shut and learn some respect, I wouldn't have to do this to you, now, would I?” “And if you weren't a tin-headed troll with ears the size of dinner plates, I wouldn't be forced to make fun of you. We both do what we've got to do, so you might as well get over with.” It was predictable. It was the way things were. A couple of times a week, John would get dropped down the well, or go flying through the air to land in a pile of smelly mud, and Krag and all his followers would hoot with laughter and go on their way. Sooner or later someone would come by and extricate
[This message has been edited by debhoag (edited January 23, 2010).]
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited January 23, 2010).]
Posted by Dropbear (Member # 8819) on :
I'm wondering what the thrust of the story is. Is it about John being bullied? Or is it about him becoming a magician? In your first attempt I had a sense that John was destined to be an apprentice and I imagined that was what your story was about; in your second attempt its just some kid getting bullied and I have no sense of what the story is about at all.
Okay, the second attempt has movement and things happening, but, to me, its in the wrong direction.
Posted by debhoag (Member # 5493) on :
Hard to squeeze in all in in thirteen lines, huh, Dropbear? I can tell you feel my pain. Posted by Dropbear (Member # 8819) on :
As you can see from my other posts, I struggle with my own beginnings! Posted by debhoag (Member # 5493) on :
here's the sell graph:
John Black loses his parents when Akriloth the Dragon rampages through his village. For a while, he wanders around on his own, but the do-gooders finally catch up with him in Krovesport, of all places, and he's forced into an orphanage. While there, he becomes friends with Tinker, a half-human, half-troll; Lafe, the son of an assassin, and Merridi, a beautiful young rogue with a knack for technology and trouble. The Great Fire War is at its peak, and hatred for dragons is running strong when Merridi’s secret is revealed: she’s a shape-changing dragon trapped in a human body. She's been outcast from her family since they discovered her strange ability. Now John must overcome his hatred of dragonkind so that he and his friends can help Merridi get to Deren, where she can find a safe haven in the world of the scholars and learn to control her shape-changing abilities. Their goal: to get to Merridi from Krovesport to the School of Thought on the Isle of Deren while every human on Lore is seeking revenge against any dragon they can find. Problem? Nah. All they have to do is keep Merridi’s true identity a secret, stow away –with a troll- on a ship headed east, fend off a pirate attack, escape a nest of Network conspirators, get to Deren and expose the Network's local leader.
Posted by Fantasy Fabulist (Member # 8983) on :
Does being bullied relate to the rest of the story? If the magician was going to teach him magic, why not start the story at one of his 'failings' in his lessons, then you could introduce his other weaknesses then...
I liked your first intro better, but perhaps it was too early to mention the bullying in his past just yet. I saw him as a scrawny dorky kid that a long way before he was to become a magician.
I liked D2's response -- and I like the idea of a specific scene, but I prefer your initial beginning. I'd like to know more about the current scene before alluding to his weaknesses.
If John's journey is going to be with Tinker and Merridi I'd like to learn about them first.
That's my two cents
Posted by Nagrom (Member # 8968) on :
I like the first two paragraphs of your first try a lot, though I keep wanting the mage to say "boy" instead of "apprentice." The imagery of the boy shoveling in the eggs and grinning is great. You might consider dropping the "Feeling insulted" intro. The impression I get of John is that he's pretty practical, as shown by his deciding his master was right.
You could start a flashback to a bullying scene at the third paragraph. If you do, you might want to have the mage eventually chide him for daydreaming so you can keep some continuity with the original scene.
Posted by debhoag (Member # 5493) on :
Since I'm writing for a younger audience, I think i'm going to try to keep the flow as simple and linear as possible. The scene it opens with is the scene where John discovers he's got magical abilities. As far as his companions go, he picks them up as he goes along, and he's got some things to get through first. I have a couple of chapters ready if anyone is willing to read.
Posted by Bent Tree (Member # 7777) on :
I'd be glad to look at the first two chapters, if you would like. Be sure to let me know what you are looking for. After that, I may be willing to do more. Maybe we can swap chapters. Send me an email, because I hardly ever find myself checking threads in novels.
quote:John Black had always been small for his age, but that had never stopped his mouth from going. The combination of smart-aleck attitude and skinny frame had made him the perfect target for Krag, the village bully. It was never enough for Krag to just torture him. He always had to force John to admit that it was all his own fault. “You bring it on yourself, Black,” he'd say with a heavy sigh, as he dangled John over the village well, or got ready to toss him into the stinky pigs' pen. “If you'd keep your mouth shut and learn some respect, I wouldn't have to do this to you, now, would I?” “And if you weren't a tin-headed troll with ears the size of dinner plates, I wouldn't be forced to make fun of you. We both
I liked this one by the way, even the first was better than the other which seemed to telling, probably in response to...nevermind send me a couple chapters if you want. I'll do them quickly.
[This message has been edited by Bent Tree (edited January 29, 2010).]
Posted by shimiqua (Member # 7760) on :
I would keep reading the one Bent Tree mentioned. In fact, I would keep reading them all. I like that you are introducing a sympathetic kid who gets bullied in the first thirteen. It seems perfect for YA, or children's fiction.
Send it to me, if you want. I'm partial to dragons. ~Sheena
