Hatrack River Writers Workshop: "Wilde Card" opening chapter

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Posted by Rhaythe (Member # 7857) on :

This is the opening chapter/prelude/whatever to my current novel that's knee-deep in the editing phase. The story is an action/espionage story, but I was curious as to what this crowd may think of the opening thirteen.

I'm still trudging through the edits, but right now the novel rounds out at 94 thousand words.

Let me know your thoughts for this opening thirteen. The story pretty much explodes into an action scene not long after, but I would like to know if anyone here would keep reading after this.

Thanks.

quote:
It was exceedingly obvious to Jorge where he belonged in the world. He had no aspirations to try for anything different. What he did was wrong, but that he continued to do so was an educated decision. The straight and narrow was too safe for men like him. He knew; he tried that life before. He simply did not have the patience for nine-to-five work. Why wait ten years for what could be earned in two?
There were many people in Jorge's life that tried to fool others into believing they were something more. The first one to come to mind was his father, a twisted man that tried to put on a loving show for the world to see. After him came Jorge's brother, a published poet before he became a fugitive. His murder charges would chase him to God-knows where until the day he died.

[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited February 25, 2010).]

Posted by BenM (Member # 8329) on :

It doesn't win me over Rhaythe, it sort of seems too distanced from Jorge and so I shrug my shoulders and wonder "so what"; when you get a chance and if you're interested, send the first chapter. Maybe in context a further thought will present itself.

Posted by MAP (Member # 8631) on :

This has to be more than 13 lines.

Why are you leaving us hanging? Is there a good reason to not just come out and say what Jorge does?

I don't care about his father or brother or neice. I am only curious about what Jorgie does, and at the end of all of this, I am frustrated and no longer interested at all.

quote:
It was exceedingly obvious to Jorge where he belonged in the world. He had no aspirations to try for anything different.

This part was interesting. I would cut the rest and work it in later in the novel.

Hope this helps.

Posted by Rhaythe (Member # 7857) on :

quote:
when you get a chance and if you're interested, send the first chapter. Maybe in context a further thought will present itself.

Will do. Thanks Ben.

quote:
Why are you leaving us hanging? Is there a good reason to not just come out and say what Jorge does?

Because it's only thirteen lines. Believe me when I say the chapter reveals that quickly enough.

Thanks for the feedback, guys.

Posted by wetwilly (Member # 1818) on :

To be honest, I found this opening kind of tedious. The ideas in it are interesting (his moral tap-dancing to justify himself, for instance), but I just don't care about his thoughts or his background, because I don't know who he even is. If I got the info in this passage after I had already seen the guy doing something, then I'd be more likely to care about his thoughts on life. I guess this feels like he's explaining his actions, but it's not interesting because I haven't seen the actions he's explaining.