Hatrack River Writers Workshop: Between The Lines

This is topic Between The Lines - First 13 Lines in forum Fragments and Feedback for Books at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

To visit this topic, use this URL:
http://www.hatrack.com/ubb/writers/ultimatebb.php?ubb=get_topic;f=26;t=000821

Posted by XD3V0NX on :

This is a book me and my friend, Kameron Ramos, had started a little while ago. Actually, this is the fifth book in the series we are writing, but we haven't writen much of this at all lately (I've been busy with other projects). I need feed back on the first 13 lines, and if you want, I'll e-mail you the first 20 pages, which I haven't looked at in quite some time. I would like it if you could tell me what's bad about it and what you like about it and what I can do to make it better. Thank you.

________________

It was 12:00 am and the secret meeting of the shareholders of K-technologies had just begun. The room was quiet as four men sat at a long black table, two men on each side and the fifth man was at the far end standing in front of a large glass window smoking a cigar. Cigar smoking man, who was no doubt the oldest of the group and most definitely the most powerful of the shareholders, spoke first, turning away from the window to face the other men: " Gentleman, last night I received a very troubling message, which is why I called this meeting to order," he sat down at the table staring at the men and a look of fear in is eyes concerned them.

The younger man with glasses spoke first, "What's this about?"

Cigar said nothing for a long time and then, trembling, he

[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited February 25, 2010).]

Posted by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (Member # 59) on :

Please read "How to tell if it's exactly 13 lines."

[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited February 25, 2010).]

Posted by TrishaH24 (Member # 8673) on :

I like the way you named the fifth man "Cigar." I get the feeling I don't need to know him very long--probably until the meeting is over and (hopefully) the MC shows up. But it's a nice way to distinguish him from the others. Also a good visual. In fact, you've got really good visual description throughout.

One thing that might be a downside: this opening is really common. I'm way too familiar with this concept to be drawn in much. Also, you're writing in third person cinematic. That's not necessarily a problem, except I feel really removed from the tension. You hint that there is tension: "Cigar said nothing for a long time and then, trembling, he" but I don't feel it.

You asked to know what might make it better. This is just an idea, and feel free to throw it out, but I'd try writing this in third person limited. I like to insert someone's thoughts whenever tension is high. You might have Cigar reflect on what is at stake here. If I know the stakes are high, I'm going to care what happens. I'm not sure if that helps, sorry!

I know what you're going for here. I was never confused or bored. But I wasn't dying to know what happened next.

Hopefully someone else will post on your first 13 because I dont' want my opinion to be the only one! Good luck with this!

[This message has been edited by TrishaH24 (edited February 26, 2010).]

Posted by stutson (Member # 8884) on :

Yeah, maybe even shorten him to Cigar-man. The contrast between Cigar-man's power and his trembling is good. I'm getting hooked.

The last three sentences could be combined into one by having Cigar-man turn to them, trembling, or speaking in a trembling voice.

That would leave some room for the rest of the hook.

Posted by MAP (Member # 8631) on :

This does have a very cinematic feel to it which is not a style I like, so if that is what you are going for, you don't have to take my comments too seriously.

The problem is that you set up the when and where first which isn't the most exciting thing to start with. Movies get away with this because they visually establish it at the same time that we see the action, but in writing it takes much longer to give the setting and risk losing readers before you get to the story. I say start with the story, and work the setting in with the scene.

I suggest starting here.

quote:
Cigar smoking man, who was no doubt the oldest of the group and most definitely the most powerful of the shareholders, spoke first, turning away from the window to face the other men: " Gentleman, last night I received a very troubling message, which is why I called this meeting to order," he sat down at the table staring at the men and a look of fear in is eyes concerned them.
The younger man with glasses spoke first, "What's this about?"
Cigar said nothing for a long time and then, trembling, he

This cleary shows that the men are in a meeting while the action takes place. You can work in that it is midnight, a secret meeting of shareholders, and the number of men there as the scene unfolds. JMO

Posted by Emily Palmer (Member # 8877) on :

This sentence made my eyes glaze over. "Cigar smoking man, who was no doubt the oldest of the group and most definitely the most powerful of the shareholders, spoke first, turning away from the window to face the other men." That was just way too wordy for me. You could simply say, "the oldest and most powerful shareholder."

Nothing really draws me in right now. I too do not favor the cinematic approach to novel writing.

Posted by CharityBradford (Member # 8988) on :

I agree with MAP.

I don't think it is necessary to say that four men sat at the table with two on each side. Most people can visualize what a meeting looks like without being told the specifics of how it is laid out. So unless it is important to know that two people were on each side of the table because a bomb is going to explode that kills only the two on the window side, or whatever, you can leave it out.

But I do like Cigar man.