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Dear (Agent):
A mysterious swordsman fleeing assassins, a young but gifted outcast sorcerer, a fiery and ambitious woodmaid, a carefree Child of the Wind, and an overly brave innkeeper’s daughter unite on a quest to free the Lady of Light in The Elfmarked: Embodiment of Magic, a 72,000 word young adult epic fantasy, the first volume of the Elfmarked trilogy.
Meeting one night stormy at the Greenwood Inn, these five join together to fight against assassins attempting to murder Lon. Their actions impress the elf lord, Ream, who asks them to free his sister, the Lady of Light, from Lord Shomar in the Valley of the Desolate. Their journey takes them to the mountains, where they encounter goblins, elf lords, and a dragon. They go on to the forest where the woodmaid, Briana, must prove her worthiness to become a warrior to her clan. Goblins interrupt their challenges, and she and her friends prove themselves. Romance blossoms, as both Lon and Nolan are attracted to Sierra and Briana meets a childhood friend, Seth. They discover soldiers marching on Ruben’s village, a plot devised by the same assassins hunting Lon. These five lead the people in defending their homes and families. This ends the first volume of the trilogy.
I ask that you represent my novel, as you have a great interest in fantasy and a willingness to assist new writers. The complete manuscript is available upon request.
Thank you for your consideration,
Emily Palmer
quote:
A mysterious swordsman fleeing assassins, a young but gifted outcast sorcerer, a fiery and ambitious woodmaid, a carefree Child of the Wind, and an overly brave innkeeper’s daughter unite (This is just a list of characters, and there is really nothing here that makes them compelling. Your story may have an ensemble cast, but this is too many characters to introduce in a query letter. Someone must be the main character, focus on him or her) on a quest to free the Lady of Light in The Elfmarked: Embodiment of Magic, a 72,000 word young adult epic fantasy, the first volume of the Elfmarked trilogy.Meeting one night stormy at the Greenwood Inn, these five join together to fight against assassins attempting to murder Lon. Their actions impress the elf lord, Ream, who asks them to free his sister, the Lady of Light, from Lord Shomar in the Valley of the Desolate. Why do they agree to do this? What are the stakes involved in accepting or rejecting this mission?
Their journey takes them to the mountains, where they encounter goblins, elf lords, and a dragon. They go on to the forest where the woodmaid, Briana, must prove her worthiness to become a warrior to her clan. Goblins interrupt their challenges, and she and her friends prove themselves. Romance blossoms, as both Lon and Nolan are attracted to Sierra and Briana meets a childhood friend, Seth. They discover soldiers marching on Ruben’s village, a plot devised by the same assassins hunting Lon. These five lead the people in defending their homes and families. This ends the first volume of the trilogy. This is just a list of seemingly unrelated events and dangers and only gives me the impression that this is just a generic epic fantasy novel.
I ask that you represent my novel, as you have a great interest in fantasy and a willingness to assist new writers. The complete manuscript is available upon request.
I think this whole query needs to be redone. I have no sense of characters, setting, or plot.
Focus on the main character, his or her major problem(antagonist and conflict), and the stakes involved if he/she fails or succeeds.
I hope this wasn't too harsh. I think you may have a good story here; it just needs to be fleshed out a bit.
Good luck with this.
Maybe instead of just listing the events in your story, grab my attention by telling me what makes yours a unique contribution to the fantasy genre. There's bound to be plenty of them, so choose one (or a few) and work that angle.
please keep in mind that my example here is based on the setting in your query (the inn) and not the wooded campsite of your previously posted first 13.
When it comes to queries I am no expert, believe me! I do try to envision a query as being as succinct as possible, though. That it follows a certain progression of events that usually end in a cliffhanger of some sort to hopefully entice an agent to request more of the manuscript.
I offer my take in the form of a partial rewrite below. MAP makes a good point: focus on one character. I would say maybe two, but five are hard to keep track of in something as short as a query, especially when you add names of others they meet along the way. I, therefore, chose to focus on Briana for the POV of my example. If this is not correct, if she is not the hero of your tale: my apologies.
I noticed, too, that you introduce the agent to where the meeting takes place (Greenwood Inn) and that it is on a stormy night. Both considered cliché openings and often the recommendation is to stay away from these. However, as someone said in another thread, things are only cliché because they have been used and worked...once...twice...a few times. So it is that I start where you start, but purely for aesthetic reasons. The main objective of my rewrite is to take Rational's advice and make the query seem less like a casting call.
My example:
The Greenwood Inn was the sort of place where adventures were supposed to come to an end; where tall tales are exchanged over tankards of ale. Or so Briana thought, until one stormy night a chance meeting with four strangers sparks an adventure that takes her across mountains infested with goblins, into a dragon's lair, and back to her forest home. There she is tested and must prove her worthiness to become a warrior of her clan.
In ELFMARKED: EMBODIMENT OF MAGIC, my 72,000 word long Epic Fantasy novel for young adults, Briana and her newfound companions are united on a quest to rescue the Lady of Light from Lord Shomar in the Valley of the Desolate. Pursued by assassins...
I end my example with an ellipsis because I honestly did not know where to go from that point, since I have no idea who Ruben is, where his village is, or who his people are that Briana and her companions will aid. But somewhere in these is a great cliffhanger, I think.
quote:
...as you have a great interest in fantasy and a willingness to assist new writers.
I don't know if I would do this if this were my query. I've heard it said novices should not tell an agent/editor that they are unpublished, and you seem to do that in a roundabout way with "assist new writers". Now, if this is something the agent has posted on his website, and he is actively seeking such, then cite the source if you are going to reveal yourself as a new writer. Let the agent know you did your homework.
[This message has been edited by Edward Douglas (edited March 09, 2010).]
[This message has been edited by Edward Douglas (edited March 09, 2010).]
It does tell me about events, or list the characters, but then maybe too much of all that. The first sentence, which serves as an example of this, leaves me breathless.
I also get the idea that the novel is unfocused, because that first sentence seems to introduce many pov characters, and the events that follow don't seem to tie them down to one purpose; like seeing through a compound eye I feel like I'm looking in all directions at once.
None of which may be problems in your novel, mind you, but that's just the impression I get from the current query.